User Manual
I've been receiving reports from people that their bar exam-takers are defective or malfunctioning. This is of great concern to me, as it illustrates a common misconception. The truth is it's not the bar-takers that are the problem -- it's that people don't know how to properly operate them!
So for all the friends, family, spouses, and assorted hangers-on of those taking the bar, I present to you...
The Bar-Taker User Manual
- Your bar-taker is busy.
- Your bar-taker does not want to talk to you.
- Your bar-taker does not want to do housework. Do it for them.
- Your bar-taker does not want to make you dinner.
- Your bar-taker does not want to go out to dinner with you.
- Make your bar-taker dinner. At their home.
- Clean everything up after you make your bar-taker dinner.
- Your bar-taker did not ask you how your day was because your bar-taker does not care. Get over it.
- Don't ask your bar-taker how their day was. It sucked! Don't waste their time by making them tell you how much it sucked.
- Stop calling your bar-taker. I told you already, they don't want to talk to you.
- Don't try to teach your bar-taker anything new. They don't have room in their heads for anything but the rule against perpetuities. They will not listen to you.
- Your bar-taker does not want to go see Pirates of the Caribbean with you. Even though Johnny Depp is in it. Go by yourself and leave them alone so they can study.
- Your bar-taker does not want to hear about how they'll pass the bar even if they don't study. They won't. So stop it already.
- Your bar-taker does not want to hear about how this is just another test, and if they know how to do anything after all these years, it's how to take a test, ha ha ha. It isn't, and they don't. So stop it already.
- Your bar-taker does not want to hear about how much time they still have to study. In reality, they might as well be sitting there taking the bar right now. There is no time at all and you are stealing what precious little time they do have by going on about how much time they have to study. So just freaking stop it already!
- Spouses and significant others, your bar-taker does not want to have sex with you.
- Spouses and significant others, if your bar-taker does want to have sex with you, they will inform you of this fact. You should then be prepared to tender prompt and efficient performance. Then leave them alone.
- Your bar-taker doesn't have time to go to the grocery store. Go yourself. Buy your bar-taker snacks while you are there. They are partial to Cheeze-Its.
- Your bar-taker does not feel like bathing. Hold your nose and learn to live with it.
- Your bar-taker does not feel like sleeping. Enjoy the extra space in the bed.
- Your bar-taker has, in fact, degenerated into a subhuman creature whose sole purpose in life is learning the law. All semblance of compassion and human decency has been drained from their bodies. You are lucky they don't attack you and eat your brains.
- Don't like it? Might I offer a solution?
- Be warned that by seeking the above solution, you will never get the chance to do this.
