Ghosterific

I watched The Others last night. It's a great movie. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend that you do (and stop reading this post, since I'm about to spoil it). It holds up very well even after multiple viewings, even after several years have passed. Innovative, beautifully executed, very entertaining.

But here's the thing. Assuming we accept the premise of the movie as true, what are the implications? You really have to feel bad for people who die in very old houses. Eventually the place would get so crowded with generation after generation of ghosts, they'd be packed in like sardines.

Unless we assume that sometimes the different eras of ghosts don't see each other, the same way sometimes they don't see the living inhabitants.

Okay, fine, but what about people who die away from home? I mean, sucks to be them. Everyone else in their family gets to stay in the house, but this person has to wander around? I guess maybe they are able to find their way home eventually, but they don't appear bound there like anyone else.

Or what if you moved after your family had died in one house, so they're spending eternity in Boston and there you sit in L.A.? What a bummer.

Speaking of bummers, can you imagine anything worse than dying as a servant and apparently being consigned to spending your afterlife as a servant – and not just to the people you served in life, but to any other random ghost who happens to take up residence with you? What the hell is that all about?

Also, what happens if your house is torn down after you die? Suddenly you're a homeless ghost? Where are you supposed to go? Can you move into someone else's house? Do you just have to live in the spot where your house was? What if they build a 7-11 in its place? Do you have to live in the 7-11? And if you live in the 7-11, do you get to eat 7-11 food? Where did all that food they were eating come from anyway?

Y'all, these are the burning questions that plague me every moment of my life.

Bar Taint

There are these fudgy peanut butter snack bars that I like. I frequently brought them to BarBri. I normally don't permit myself to eat things like that, but I figured I deserved a little treat, dammit, if I was spending my entire summer in the BarBri dungeon. Sometimes I shared them with C.

I brought a box of them to the bar exam, too. For some reason, though, I couldn't make myself eat any. Before I left for home on Thursday, I offered them to C. She declined. I asked her why not, since she'd liked them as much as I did before.

She stopped and thought about it for a second. Then she said, in as defeated a tone as any person who had just finished the bar exam has ever said anything, "They've got bar taint."

---

Bar taint. I think I have bar taint.

But it's fading, and fast. I'm slowly starting to reclaim my life. I exercised yesterday for the first time in three weeks. I've been watching stupid movies just because I can. I even ordered cable TV today, for the first time in my adult life. (Please note this doesn't mean I never watched cable. I just mooched it off other people. My parents were ever so thrilled when I'd come over to their house to watch Queer As Folk.)

I still feel so so tired, but even that's going away.

And as insane as it sounds, I'm starting to forget The Horror. I feel like I still have some bar demons to exorcise, but I don't know how much tolerance I (and YOU!) have for many more posts about it.

I wanted to write today while I still remember what it felt like. Write now, because I can feel it slipping away already. I'm starting to rationalize it, starting to be able to see the humor in it. It doesn't even feel real anymore. Really? I took the bar? Are you sure?

And I can see how, if I do pass (pleaseohpleaseletmehavepassed), I'll be able to laugh along with everyone else about how on earth could I have thought I actually wouldn't pass. I'll be one of those annoying people who says it's just another test and tells everyone not to worry about it until after the 4th of July.

---

But it should be acknowledged, for the sake of posterity and of my wounded pride if the worst should happen, that the bar exam...it sucks. It really, really sucks. Really.

It sucks more than anything else in my life has ever sucked except for the two days we thought my dad had terminal lung cancer until more extensive testing proved us wrong. It tore me into pieces and I'm only now trying to put myself back together again. It was brutal, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

It was so hard. So very hard. So hard that success rides on your ability to achieve a bare minimum of competence, so hard that even that kind of mediocrity seems impossible no matter how many months you spend trying to attain it. So hard it hurts.

It also meant so much. For me, and for a lot of people, I think, it wasn't just a test. It was a validation of everything we've gone through these last three or four years, of whether we made the right choice in dropping everything and going to law school. In not dropping out of law school, as just about everyone at some point contemplates.

How ironic to push through – and God, it did take an effort, when you weren't sure you made the right decision to go to law school and wanted so much to just call it a loss and move on, but somehow found the strength to stick with it – how ironic to then fail on the final leg.

And what a waste of so much strain and toil. That's the thing about law school...it's not that the bar exam is hard, or that first-year finals are hard, or that the LSAT is hard. It's all hard. All of it. Every little thing counts, every little thing is difficult, and every little misstep has the potential to drastically alter the course of your life.

So yes, failure means more than, "Oh well, I'll try again." Maybe I won't. Will you? This strange amnesia that's stealing over me might actually enable me to do it, if it seems important enough at that time. Or maybe I'd take it as a sign that whatever misgivings I've had were right and that I should rethink what I'm doing with myself.

That's a lot riding on one little test. "What will I do with the rest of my life?" What will I really, really do? I just don't know.

Present State of Mind Exception

21 Terrifying Tales

Or just 2. But 21 sounded better.

You've gotta love stories about people who had a worse time than you at the bar and still managed to pass.

My favorite so far has to be the girl who decided it was a good idea to stay up the whole night before the essays studying (that would be the night before day 3, after a day 2 filled with the MBE). She convinced a group of her friends to do the same, and they took their books over to IHOP. They all ate pancakes.

This girl, unfortunately, had a severe allergic reaction to something in said pancakes and ended up spending the night in the hospital, having her stomach pumped and getting drugged to the gills. She had to check out over the doctors' objections to get to the bar on time.

---

The other one happened two years ago to someone I know. (It's the reason I was so set on staying close enough to the testing center that I didn't have to drive.) She wanted to stay in her own house and make the drive out each morning, which would normally take about 45 minutes. She left about 2 hours early just to be sure.

Everything works out fine the first two days. Then, she wakes up early on the third day to the sounds of a fierce thunderstorm raging outside. "This could be bad," she thinks. She decides to leave three hours before she needed to be there to account for any traffic delays (5 a.m. for an 8 a.m. start time).

The rain had been pouring down all night long, and sure enough...there was flooding. Strategic flooding that just happened to shut down the main highways that would lead my friend to the convention center. The traffic didn't move at all.

Finally, it's about 7:30, and she's a good half hour away -- assuming traffic had been moving, which it WASN'T. She calls her husband and her father and everyone she knows, sobbing and hyperventilating and begging them to help her. They pull out all the maps they could find, look online, and finally find a way for her to get there on various side streets.

She arrives at the testing center at 8:15. She knows she's failed. The doors close at 8 a.m., no exceptions, and she has gone through two days of hell for nothing.

Except...everyone was stuck in the same traffic. The bar examiners decided to push back the starting time an hour and to allow the latecomers to sit for the test.

She said she didn't stop shaking until the last half hour of the morning session.

I'm "That Girl"

Come on. You know who "That Girl" is. You probably laughed about her with your friends. I did too, when I heard about "That Girl" before the bar.

But now I know the truth. "That Girl" can't help it. She has feelings too. Just because she shouldn't be permitted out among decent society doesn't mean she doesn't deserve the same respect and consideration you'd give any sane, socially appropriate person.

So I'm "That Girl." "That Girl" who throws up during the bar exam. "That Girl" who developed an obnoxious habit of TALKING to her test while doing practice questions and found she couldn't stop during the real thing -- silently, but nevertheless clearly shaking her head and mouthing, "NO! He can't do THAT!" to her questions. "That Girl" who talks too much before the exam starts and finds herself doing weird twisty things with her arms during the test and smooshing her face into bizarre expressions and at one point actually started involuntarily slapping her cheeks before she realized people were, you know, STARING, and she really ought to stop.

Ugh.

---

So, the bar exam sucked. The MBE kicked my ass and destroyed any confidence I might have had.

Not surprisingly, then, it caused me to have a major bar exam freak-out that night. (I debated whether to even write about it, but I find myself already trying to pretend I didn't feel that bad. I feel like I need to get the truth down before I'm able to rewrite this all in my head.)

I was already nervous about the essays, more so than any other portion of the test. I felt like I just didn't know nearly enough, wasn't prepared, etc. And then I was so sick on Wednesday, and it just got worse during the night. I was lying there trying to sleep and my heart was racing and I was absolutely terrified.

All I could think about was how I had already failed the bar on the MBE and it wasn't going to get any better on Thursday. I imagined in excruciating detail what it would be like to go to the pass list in November and not see my name.

How people would be kind of sympathetic but also a little smug and confused and thinking about how they're smarter than me and wondering how I've managed to get by so far when I'm clearly not that bright after all and how did I manage to trick everyone?

I came to terms with the public humiliation factor, mostly, but that didn't help with the "how I will feel if I fail" element.

So by this point it's 3 in the morning and I'm still sick to my stomach and my chest feels so tight and it's hard to breathe and my heart is skipping beats and I'm thinking, "Maybe this is what a heart attack feels like." I decided it was just an anxiety attack, but that didn't help.

So that was my night.

---

The essays themselves? Pretty much reasonable, I'd say. I did what I could with them, typed like a maniac, didn't feel all that bad. I didn't do great, but I tried to get the relevant rules up there and analyze my ass off, even when I knew I wasn't really on the right track. Partial credit is my friend.

---

I wasn't really a ball of energy last night. I went out, ate my Indian food...was feeling a little bit better, though soon it became clear that I wasn't fully recovered, so I had to lay off.

I hugged little Baby A and kissed her chubby cheeks and her chubby arms and her chubby thighs and her chubby little tummy. I still love her even though she pooped on me –- AND my bed –- when she came to visit me at the hotel on Tuesday night. :-O

I came home and went into manic mode, started cleaning everything up and organizing stuff. I didn't finish until 1 in the morning. Then I sat down with...wait for it...some Tab and brandy (there's a twist you could never have predicted!), had two sips, and next thing I knew I woke up and it was 3 in the morning. Stumbled off to bed. Got up at 1 this afternoon.

This is my life.

Day Three: Yippee!

Well, fun is fun but now I'm done.

Really done. Wiped. Perhaps...maybe just maybe...on a wing and a prayer...I might possibly, kinda, sorta have passed. Stranger things have happened.

Maybe later I'll tell you about the really fun time I had last night! Where I didn't sleep at all and was even more horribly ill than before and I thought maybe I was having a heart attack!

But for now I am off to eat Indian food (LOL, the best thing for food poisoning, si?) and get really really really really drunk. Really really.

Day Two: Eff You

I don't like the MBE, and the MBE doesn't like me.

I'm not feeling great about today. First of all, I had a horrible time sleeping because of really loud music. I complained to the front desk to no avail. I don't know what time it stopped, but the last time I looked at the clock before I fell asleep, it was 1:30.

And second of all, well, I thought the MBE was hard. (Maybe I'm the only one. There were some people braying afterward about how OVERHYPED and EASY it was.)

The funny thing is, there weren't that many really long crazy fact patterns like I had been led to believe there would be, but those short-fact-pattern questions were awfully tricky. There were many (many many) where I really had no clue as between two possible choices and just had to pick one.

Blah. Y'all will still love me even if I don't pass, right? Right?

Oh well. Time to put it out of my mind and get going on studying for tomorrow...the hardest day of all. :(

Day One, Not So Fun

One day down, two to go! It's a bit frustrating to go through all that anxiety over parts of the exam that are worth only a smaller portion of the total score. C was telling her husband about the testing today and how it was our easiest day. After she listed all the topics tested, he responded incredulously, "THAT'S the easy day????"

Yes, yes it was. The MPT was great. I was hoping hoping hoping it would be a memo, and it was. Thank God. I chugged along a little slowly, had to zip through the last portion in the last prong of my analysis in 5 minutes, but I covered everything required, so I think I did okay but not the Very Best Ever. So what. Good enough is good enough.

The P&E, as anticipated, contained stuff I just didn't know, but it also had plenty on there that I DID know. I think I managed the 70% correct we were told to aim for. I did have to totally B.S. my way through most of the questions that asked "when must this or that be filed?" Yeah, I didn't bother learning that. 45 days, 30 days, 90 days after the 40 days after the Monday after the previous Saturday after the last holiday of the month of the bad moon rising...whatever.

So I feel good, but...miles to go before I sleep.

---

I could have done without the harping from the proctor. "You people need to be here and IN YOUR SEATS by 8 a.m.! No exceptions tomorrow!" Bitch bitch bitch. She brought it up at least 15 times. When the test was running later than it was supposed to, she said, "It's too bad some of you are so inconsiderate -- if you had been here on time, we wouldn't have gotten behind."

FOR THE RECORD...almost everyone was there by 7:30 at the latest. The line was incredible. It snaked back and forth and all around the building, and it moved slooooowly. I didn't get in the room until 8:10. So, what? I should camp out overnight like it's an American Idol audition? Yeah. That's gonna happen.

---

I'm not so sure about the hotel. It's frigging LOUD. I'm many stories up, but I still hear the music blasting by the pool. Last night they had a giant movie screen down there showing Finding Nemo. Loud. Loudloudloud. "Bloop blooooop [whale noises whale noises] blooooooooop! Neeeeemoooo!" And it went on until 11:30 at night. That's so wrong.

In the future, you foolish yet hardy souls who will one day be taking the bar, make sure to request a quiet room. Maybe they could place you even higher up in the building, and try to ensure there isn't a family of 10 shrieky monkeys next door to you. (Who stayed up until 1!!!!!!!!)

---

Some unfortunate individual found my blog this morning by searching for "California lost my bar exam admission ticket." Wow. I am sorry to hear that, California bar-taker. I hope you got it straightened out!

Antici--

I'm all checked in at the hotel. I had to drive by all kinds of people having fun to get here. Sigh.

Meanwhile, remember how I was concerned about noisy vacationing families staying at the hotel? Well, the hotel is full of them. Including the room right next to mine. The kids are in there just shrieking at the top of their lungs. One is reading from the phone book. Hernandez....Hester....Hetterman..... She's been doing that since I got here half an hour ago. Urge to kill rising....rising....

---

I was informed by someone – a non-bar taker – that lately, my blog makes me sound psychotic. Um. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'M PERFECTLY SANE!!! SANE I TELL YOU!

I will bite off the nose of the next person who says I sound psychotic.

Fun for Shut-Ins

I went to the grocery store this morning to stock up on rations for the hotel. It was so strange. There was sky and sun and cars and other people! Incredible.

Into the Breach

Good luck to everyone taking the bar this week. So long for now. I'll see you on the other side.

Zen

I'm working on some recent essays. I appear to have achieved a higher form of consciousness. I am one with the zen.

I write out my essays, and then when I read the model answer and I see, oops, I blew that conclusion; wow, I left out the entire third prong of that test...I just don't care. I see how much I did get right, and I figure, "That's enough."

Mediocrity. Is it right for you? Inquire within.

Daily Affirmation

I was about to throw the newspaper section with the upcoming week's movie listings into the recycling bin. And then I realized...as of Thursday, I can actually go to the movies again.

Wow! A movie. Imagine that....

Red Alert!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Almost...out...of...Diet Mountain Dew....somebody....please...BUY ME MORE!!!!! Neeeeed caffeine...sweet, sweet caffeine....

Daily Affirmation

This is the last Friday you will spend studying for the bar. Never again. For the rest of your life.

Dress for Success

I just finished packing my suitcase. Contents: sweatpants, 3; t-shirts, 3; sweatshirts, 3. If I were taking the bar in Virginia, I would be required to wear court attire during the exam. But I am not. Virginia bar examiners can kiss my big giant bar-inflated sweatsuit-clad ass.

Democratic Cannibalism and You

I just finished the sample full-length MBE in the blue PMBR book (last year's). The very last question involved my very favorite area of the law. The open mines doctrine? No, love it though I do, if you've been reading my blog for any period of time you should know that of course it's defensible cannibalism due to necessity!

Well, I have good news for you. When you're in that boat lost at sea and you're all starving and you're thinking, gosh, I feel like eating Fred, you CAN, yes, you can. But you can't just kill Fred. That's not nice. We are a nation of laws, founded on great principles of justice and order and liberal democracy. It's a beautiful thing.

So before you eat Fred, you have to draw lots. And you have to risk the eating of your very own personal self. But do that, and all is forgiven.

God, I love the bar exam.

Daily Affirmation

I know people are starting to hit the wall as far as studying is concerned. I imagine that's especially the case for those who started studying early, instead of spending all of June sitting around on their big, fat, gigantic, gargantuan, massive, enormous, spreading, growing ever larger, soon to attack Tokyo--

...Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, my ass. It's HUGE.

No, wait! Studying, I was talking about studying. Yeah.

The thing is...by this time next week, the time for studying will be over. We'll have one more afternoon of testing, but even as we write our essays, we'll know that the time for studying is done. Forever. Yes, forever, and I'm going to believe that until somebody tells me otherwise.

That being the case, that leaves us just one week more of studying, out of the rest of our lives. Surely we can study just one more week. Surely we can put in the time today when we know that in one tiny little week we'll have all the free time in the world.

So what are you doing reading this? Get back to work!

This

sucks.

Don't Go to Law School

Behold, Bar Exam Mountain! And there, resting triumphantly at the summit, my "Big Bar Binder" -- my short outlines of each and every topic tested, and the reason I now have carpal tunnel syndrome.

Daily Affirmation

14 hrs/day * 7 days = 98 hours of studying

Compare:

3 hrs/day * 6 days * 6 weeks - 10 hr adjustment for shorter weeks = 98 hours of BarBri

Cruel, So Cruel

The deadline to register for the February bar is Aug. 30? But...but what of those of us who desperately hold out hope that we do not have to take it again, until we hear otherwise in November?

Daily Affirmation

I've been thinking about the bar passage rate from my law school (at night...when I'm lying there...trying to sleep...HA HA HA ugh). It sounded high enough, back when I was still in full control of my faculties, but every day it feels that much lower. I keep thinking about how 1 out of 10 of us won't pass, and how I feel pretty sure that "1" will be ME. (If someone has the #s for our law school + BarBri, I'd love to hear it. I had heard it was 97% for LS + BarBri + PMBR, but I didn't take PMBR.)

Anyway...but then I realized. We're the first class taking the bar AFTER LS's big push to increase bar passage rates. We had to take more hours of the core law classes than anyone before us. We're also the first class where they tightened up entry standards. We graduated with more hours than either the class before us or after us needed.

So...I'm thinking the rate will go up! Like, a lot! I've decided that for people from our law school who took BarBri, it will be, oh, 99.8%. (Because one person will still fail. You know...me.)

The Promise of Milk

I have a new carton of milk. It expires on 7-29. Isn't that an amazing thing? I'll be DONE with the bar exam, completely done (unlessineedtotakeitagaininfebruary), and that very same milk will be there waiting for me on the other side.

I Wonder

I wonder if this is what insanity feels like.

1 Burning Question, 1 Burning Answer

Someone please tell me why, in about half of all the chick-lit books ever written, the heroine is a lawyer. A lawyer who totally hates being a lawyer. Who ends up quitting halfway through the book to ride off into the sunset doing just about anything else, whether that's walking dogs or being a maid or any of a million other things as long as, dear God, it's not law. What is that all about?

(Yeah, yeah, I realize that probably about half of the authors WERE lawyers who "escaped" by writing these books, or at least have friends toiling away in hellhole law firms. But still. It's annoying. I wish they'd knock it off.)

That is all.

Oh, the bar exam? Yeah, I'm gonna fail.

Sometimes You Just Need to

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Question for Humans

I don't get the whole concept of the cat nap. You sleep for 20 minutes and then you hop up and you're good to go? Never in my life have I been able to do that. First of all, it takes me at least that long to fall asleep (usually longer). Second, if I nap I want to nap for a couple of hours at a minimum.

So what's the deal? Are y'all just lying there awake for 20 minutes, and that's enough to refresh you? How does this work? Does not compute, need data, beep beep.

(Koff. I could, uh, use a nap, obviously, but have no time to spare.)

Why Didn't Someone Tell Me Sooner?

Planning My Escape

Psst...who's with me? Mission: avoid the bar. Destination: right about here.

No TV and No Beer Make Homer...

BarBri sucks, this much is true. But GEEZ it's lonely sitting here studying by myself all day and night! I feel kind of cut off from the world. Both in a personal sense and more generally...I'm usually big into current events, and I feel like I don't have a clue what's going on in the world. What's this with Israel? Normally I'd be glued to CNN.

But it's just a little over two weeks more. I'll be fine; that's doable. Doesn't mean I don't feel like whining about it.

---

Who all is staying at the hotel that's the closest to the local bar site? I was thinking I'd hole up in my room all evening long studying (I will have a snazzy room with a refrigerator so I don't have to go out), but now I'm thinking it might be fun to take at least an hour or so to have dinner with other people. Even if that means just ordering a pizza or something.

MB-Me? Yeah, well, MB-YOU!

I don't know what that means either.

Why is it that I keep getting the exact same percentage correct as I did on the simulated MBE, despite having done all kinds of studying in between?

PMBR Sucks

Dear PMBR:

The possessive form of "it" is "its." Not "it's." The fact that you seem to be incapable of getting something so simple right makes me suspect that everything you say is wrong.

Sincerely,
A Dissatisfied (Non-)Customer.

(I still [heart] the person who gave me her PMBR stuff from last year. That doesn't mean I don't have standards.)

Oh. My. GAWD!

Hello, yes, WIDE AWAKE over here.

I have come to tell you about something very exciting going on in my life. I have had an experience. An epiphany. An awakening! No longer is the world a dark and gloomy place! I AM BORN AGAIN, MY FRIENDS!

You see, it all started lo those many minutes ago. Jocelyn mentioned on her blog her deep and abiding passion for the Conviser Mini Review.

Pshaw! scoffed I, blind to that which I was not yet ready to comprehend. I had seen this thing once, this "Conviser," and it was very long with tiny print and very bad, very bad indeed. I was not about to be led astray.

But for some reason...who knows, some aligning of the stars, kismet, fate! I had to admit some curiosity. It couldn't hurt to look, could it, to see what could be so grand?

I pulled out the book...and I discovered that what I had thought was the Conviser all along was instead the LONG outline book! Oh, verily what a fool was I!

Nay, my friends, the Conviser is indeed the most glorious book of all! I am saved, hurrah!!!

(And I guess I can rescind that hit I took out on professor-who-shall-go-unnamed...He Who Creates Insane Incomprehensible Lecture Handouts for Trusts and Wills and Estate Administration and Family Law and Estate Tax and Guardianship.)

Numerical Soup

All of these time periods are killing me. How important do you really think it is to bring it up in a problem that doesn't specifically ask, say, "How long does the defendant have to file his answer?"

I'm studying estate administration right now, if it matters. All of this "secured creditors must file w/in 6 mos from date of personal representative's appointment OR within 4 mos after receipt of personal notice," but "unsecured creditors must file an authenticated claim within 30 days if it's a dependent administration, but if blahblahblahblahblah." And every little thing has multiple time periods like that.

Does anybody actually remember minute details like that? Surely I will pass even if I don't. Right? Right? Someone? Anyone? Hellooooo?

But Wait, There's More

I thought of another reason BarBri sucks. WHY does their full-time study schedule start TODAY, when they are selling a class that runs until 4 p.m. today and tomorrow? I can understand that they won't factor in the 3-day PMBR (which I'm not taking), but their own P&E workshop? Why? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????

Now I shall fail the bar because I did not spend the day "reviewing notes and handouts in subjects I feel uncomfortable with." (I.e., all subjects.)

---

My favorite would have to be the schedule for the afternoon of Jul. 17. "Review Bankruptcy, Consumer Rights, Guardianship, Tax, and Trusts lecture notes and outline answers to Consumer Rights and Trusts questions." Uh, yeah, that will only take me five weeks.

High Anxiiiiiety

Not much to say about the Procedure & Evidence workshop today. It sucked, BarBri sucks, what else is new? I have no opinions yet as to whether or not the workshop is useful; come see me in November.

I will say this much. Person Who Sat Next to Me, no one cares that you were ON LAW REVIEW!!!! There is no need to TALK ABOUT IT REALLY LOUDLY!!!! Nobody is thinking, "Wow, that person must have been like toooootally smart! I am all intimidated now!" Instead we are thinking that you are a tool.

Second, Person Who Sat Next to Me, go ahead, keep encroaching on my space tomorrow. Every inch you scootch your chair toward mine brings you that much closer to me BITING YOU!

---

Ahem. Sounds like a lot of people are experiencing good old test anxiety dreams. I've rarely had the standard ones, you know, where you're sitting there taking the test and you didn't study, or you oversleep, or you don't know the answers, and so on.

But I do have this recurring dream that pops up whenever I'm stressed. It includes some standard themes: trying desperately to organize things, running around trying to complete tasks when there's not enough time, having the big day arrive and not being ready.

Except the thing is...I'm trying to get ready for Halloween. I need to buy a costume. I need to buy candy. I need to decorate the house. Everything is difficult, and by the end I've accomplished nothing and the Halloween hours are dwindling away and it's all just so upsetting!

I don't know what to say about that. You would think Halloween is my major holiday of the year (ah yes, must pave the way for the coming of the Dark Prince and his unholy reign!). But I don't dress up, I don't have kids to take trick-or-treating, and little kids who want candy from me can kiss my ass if I forget to buy it (read: if I eat it all before they arrive).

So who knows why my subconscious chooses to reflect my fears this way.

Gotta Have Friends

I stopped by tonight to see some friends. "Where ya been?" they chorused.

I laughed and, trying to keep the mood light, made some joke about the bar exam.

"We've missed you," said one of my friends, and I began to realize that the atmosphere was a bit strained.

"I'm sorry," I said, and tried to explain. "I've been busy."

"It's been months," they said. "We always liked it when you'd come around with your other friends. Didn't we have fun?"

I realized it was true. While we had on occasion spent time together, just them and me, we had the most fun when I brought other friends. I loved introducing new people to them. "We did," I said. "And we will again. Just as soon as the bar is over."

"We have other friends, you know," said one friend. I nodded, ashamed.

"Lots of LAWYER friends," piped up another. "Lawyers are some of our BEST friends."

"Oh," I replied. "I didn't realize." No one responded.

The silence lengthened, grew uncomfortable.

"Look," said one of my friends, "maybe you should go."

"O-okay," I said, and headed for the door. Then I stopped and turned back. "Do you mind," I began, hating the quaver in my voice, "if I take a picture, something I can look at to remember better times while I'm studying?"

A derisive snort was my only response. Taking that as consent, I snapped a picture. Then I walked out the door.

Wouldn't you like to meet my friends?

Smell Ya Later

Contrary to popular belief, I do in fact bathe daily. But I have taken J's advice to use it as a study break. So off I go to do that now.

---

In other news, mnemonics are fun. I like to think I'm bringing the joy of mnemonics to the world. And I would share mine with you, except they are all obscene and vulgar and possibly illegal in 12 states.

It's 3 a.m. and All's Well

And I'm studying!

Someone somewhere is, I'm sure, really freaked out about that fact. It means I'm going to pass and they're not AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I know this because they've been engaging in similar antics all summer long.

It would be nice to leave it at that and let them stew. But please, dahling, do you think I've been studying since 8 a.m. in the morning? I wasn't even conscious until well after 1 in the afternoon. I am nocturnal and loving it!

Answer Lady

Frolics and Detours e-mailed me with some great tips she found on her exam instruction sheet. Well, yeah, if you're going to be all logical about it....

Anyway, so I dug out my instruction sheet. Here are the answers to some of my burning questions.

1. We are permitted to bring a floppy disk drive and a mouse and a keyboard, if we wish. (A keyboard! I didn't even think of that. Think I'll stick with the laptop keyboard anyway.)


2. We may NOT bring our own floppy disks for backup. They will provide us with backup disks, which we must return to them at the end of the day.
   


3. I was mistaken. We do not get to use our laptops for the P&E, only the MPT and Essays. So there are in fact TWO files for the essays, one labeled "A.M." and one "P.M." That answers my question about what happens during lunch on day 3. They suggest carrying our laptop with us to lunch that day.


4. It appears we need to seek special dispensation to have medication in the testing room with us. This sucks, as I would otherwise have preferred to keep some Aleve on hand just in case.


5. Items (besides those listed above) we can bring into the exam room: admission ticket, photo ID, pens, pencils, highlighters, silent timers, ear plugs. We may store these in a transparent ziploc bag if we desire.
   


6. Things we can't bring in: purses, backpacks, food, beverages. I'm assuming this also includes laptop bags???? So, what, we just come wandering in holding our laptops in our hands? Dumb.


7. Apparently we are permitted to leave if we need a bathroom break, but it sounds onerous enough that I'd suggest avoiding that at all costs. That shouldn't be too hard, since we can't bring any beverages in....


8. They will give us scratch paper for the MPT only. We are not permitted the use of scratch paper for any other section.
   

Can't Win for Losing

We had a BarBri lecture last week on how to take the bar. That involved the usual pep talk, discussions of grading, and so forth. The lecturer was very entertaining and generally reassuring.

And then...then he managed to freak everyone out. He started by admonishing those who are going to be handwriting to write very neatly. He went into a long digression on the exact type of pen they should buy, and how they should test out all kinds of different pens, and make sure they choose a pen that's really right for them and fills their hearts with joy. Of course, writing neatly will be hard, he said, because you'll be writing so much. But make sure your essays are really neat and organized anyway.

By this point, those of us who were going to be using laptops were feeling very smug. Ha ha. The bar examiners will delight in our Times New Roman legibility and fancy centered headings!

But then the lecturer turned on us. Did we know, he said, that bar examiners expect so much more out of us? Organization must be impeccable. The Queen herself must envy our perfect grammar and flawless spelling. No excuses! They would go easy on those poor pen-testing handwriters, but not us. They would give the handwritten but otherwise identical essay a higher score.

Greeeeeat. Just great. So now the laptoppers were feeling crappy, and the handwriters were smirking. In order to ensure maximum panic, Lecturer Dude then pipes up, "Of course, if I were taking the bar, I would definitely use the laptop! I can type so much faster than I can write, and it's great to have the ability to go back and change things easily if necessary."

Sigh.

---

He didn't mention another thing that's been concerning me, so I'm hoping it's irrelevant. I had a professor last semester who freaked me out. He made some comment about how he thinks handwritten exams tend to be better than the typed ones. You see, he said, they always write so much more!

So I'm sitting there thinking, you asshole. Helloooooooooo! The same amount of text will almost always appear longer if it is handwritten rather than typed.

But what if the bar examiners think the same stupid thing? What if my, I dunno, 3-page, single-spaced, 10-pt font essay appears desperately inadequate compared to some handwriter's shorter-in-reality-but-impressive-in-appearance 8 pages double-spaced?

---

I also wish he had gone into more practical concerns. Like...can we bring in a snack, a drink, performance-enhancing drugs? Earplugs? An extra sweater? A mouse and mousepad if we're typing? External disk drive + disk for backup? How is this going to work on day 3, when we have essays in the morning, a break for lunch, and then more essays in the afternoon? The bar software only has one file for that entire day. Are we just going to leave our laptops sitting there in the room, open to the half-completed test, while we go off for lunch?

The Carnage Continues

A lot of people have been talking about how they've been using up highlighters and pens in massive quantities. Three pens a day, and so forth.

Me, I have evolved. No more pens and paper for me. I much prefer to study with my computer. I'm even taking the bar exam on my laptop. So the pens and highlighters of the world are safe from me.

But I do seem to be killing an inordinate number of batteries with my wireless mouse.... Too much clickage?

User Manual

I've been receiving reports from people that their bar exam-takers are defective or malfunctioning. This is of great concern to me, as it illustrates a common misconception. The truth is it's not the bar-takers that are the problem -- it's that people don't know how to properly operate them!

So for all the friends, family, spouses, and assorted hangers-on of those taking the bar, I present to you...

The Bar-Taker User Manual

1. Your bar-taker is busy.


2. Your bar-taker does not want to talk to you.


3. Your bar-taker does not want to do housework. Do it for them.


4. Your bar-taker does not want to make you dinner.


5. Your bar-taker does not want to go out to dinner with you.


6. Make your bar-taker dinner. At their home.


7. Clean everything up after you make your bar-taker dinner.


8. Your bar-taker did not ask you how your day was because your bar-taker does not care. Get over it.


9. Don't ask your bar-taker how their day was. It sucked! Don't waste their time by making them tell you how much it sucked.


10. Stop calling your bar-taker. I told you already, they don't want to talk to you.


11. Don't try to teach your bar-taker anything new. They don't have room in their heads for anything but the rule against perpetuities. They will not listen to you.


12. Your bar-taker does not want to go see Pirates of the Caribbean with you. Even though Johnny Depp is in it. Go by yourself and leave them alone so they can study.


13. Your bar-taker does not want to hear about how they'll pass the bar even if they don't study. They won't. So stop it already.


14. Your bar-taker does not want to hear about how this is just another test, and if they know how to do anything after all these years, it's how to take a test, ha ha ha. It isn't, and they don't. So stop it already.


15. Your bar-taker does not want to hear about how much time they still have to study. In reality, they might as well be sitting there taking the bar right now. There is no time at all and you are stealing what precious little time they do have by going on about how much time they have to study. So just freaking stop it already!


16. Spouses and significant others, your bar-taker does not want to have sex with you.


17. Spouses and significant others, if your bar-taker does want to have sex with you, they will inform you of this fact. You should then be prepared to tender prompt and efficient performance. Then leave them alone.


18. Your bar-taker doesn't have time to go to the grocery store. Go yourself. Buy your bar-taker snacks while you are there. They are partial to Cheeze-Its.


19. Your bar-taker does not feel like bathing. Hold your nose and learn to live with it.


20. Your bar-taker does not feel like sleeping. Enjoy the extra space in the bed.


21. Your bar-taker has, in fact, degenerated into a subhuman creature whose sole purpose in life is learning the law. All semblance of compassion and human decency has been drained from their bodies. You are lucky they don't attack you and eat your brains.


22. Don't like it? Might I offer a solution?


23. Be warned that by seeking the above solution, you will never get the chance to do this.
    

Crystal Ball Part III

And then at precisely THIS moment three weeks from today...

...I will be passed out on the floor. With a happy-sloppy-drunk grin on my face.

Crystal Ball Part II

And at this moment precisely three weeks from today...

...I WILL BE COMPLETELY SMASHED AT THE BAR!!!

Crystal Ball

At this moment precisely three weeks from today...

...WE WILL BE COMPLETELY FINISHED WITH THE BAR!

No Train, No Gain

Y'know...not that I miss the train with the daily invasion of my bodily integrity and the hot-boiling rage...but driving sure makes it hard to keep up with my summer reading, which is of course my priority right now.

I was zipping through books at a steady clip of about two per week, in addition to any number of magazines, the newspaper, and whatever other reading material I could scrounge up. Now? Not so much.

I hope the many many people who have loaned me books recently will be patient. I think I gave them a false sense of my reading-speediness that last semester of law school (the semester of "why on earth would I want to do a stupid thing like READ for CLASS?"). I promise I will return your books to you. Some day. After I pass the bar. On my 24th try. In 2018. :-P

Important Announcement

Dear World:

I have eaten all the Indian food. There is no more left for any of you. Please return to your homes in an orderly fashion.

urkurkurk

Things That Suck More Than Studying for the Bar

[Update: I have been privately informed that this post is all depressing and stuff. Just so you know.]

I kind of enjoy thinking up things that would be worse. Better than getting pissed at people I think have it easier than me, like that whiny stay-at-home mom who had an entire article in yesterday's paper devoted to how totally hard it is to have to drive her kids to their summer activities. She, like, has to keep snacks in the car because, like, it's soooo totally hard to find time to eat and omigod what if she gets hungry!

Okay, getting annoyed again....

So, the list. What do you think?

• There's that whole category of death-dying-pain-injury-illness that I'd rather not delve into.
  
• Studying for/taking the first set of 1L finals.
  
• Fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan, other field of war.
  
• Living in a place like that, or any other third-world country.
  
• Giving birth. (Though it would be a lot shorter than the weeks of studying, I think childbirth alone would outrank it, not even counting the months of pregnancy.)
  
• Getting divorced.
  
• Losing a loved one.
  
• Hearing that a loved one is seriously ill. (And all the attendant struggles, moving on again because I thought I wasn't going to dwell on this area.)
  
• Living in poverty. Even just not having enough money to cover your reasonable needs.
  
• Being depressed.
  
• Going to medical school. ;)
  
• Being miserable at work for months on end.
  
• Losing a job you desperately need and not being able to find a new one.
  
• Losing your job, period, if you would have preferred to stay there.
  
• Being sued.
  
• Being the victim of a crime. Even something "minor," like having your home burglarized.
  
• Losing your home.

That's enough for now. It's done its purpose: I definitely feel pretty good about sitting here learning con crim pro this rainy Wednesday afternoon. :)

BAM!

Today is that magical day, that day when we collectively say, "Oh, CRAP!" and realize we actually have to take this bar thing. In less than three weeks.

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling energized. I'm a lean, mean, bar-material-learning machine. I'm ready to RIP into trusts and guardianships like no one's business! I feel like studying! I feel like outlining! I feel like writing practice essays! I feel like...having lunch.

Meanwhile, I think it's interesting to watch as different activities are slowly stripped away from my life, leaving just the streamlined necessities. What kinds of things have y'all been giving up?

My main concession so far has been to get rid of a lot of my screwing-around time. The Internet doesn't count, because I study at my desk with the computer anyway, so I consider random acts of drive-by blogging to be my well-deserved breaks.

Other than that, I really just need plenty of sleep and sufficient breaks to keep my sanity. And then there's that other thing I have to do every day. Absolutely vital. Completely nonnegotiable. And that would be...brushing my dog. No, I am not kidding.

---

In other news...is there some kind of economic crisis going on that I'm unaware of? For the past two weeks, my grocery store has had NO contact lens solutions of any brands. The entire mini-aisle by the pharmacy is completely bare. I realize various solutions were recalled, but not every single one of them. I was worried about this until I remembered, HEY, I'm taking the bar, what do I need contacts for?

I'm also having a hard time getting gas. Today was the first time the closest gas station hasn't been out.

Friends Don't Let Friends Eat Other Friends

I find it terribly sad that under the common law, necessity is no defense if you kill someone else to avoid your own death.

What does that mean? So when we're lost at sea on a little canoe and we're all starving to death, I don't get to eat you to save my own life?

Bummer.

---

Who wants to guess what subject I'm studying right now?

In other news, what's going on with this cannibalism theme on my blog lately? No more Alive for me!

Happy 4th of July!

Have fun! Don't worry at all over the fact that you'll be sitting there TAKING THE BAR EXAM exactly three weeks from today! :-P

Ode to a Beverage

O bubblegum soda
How did you get in my fridge?
I did not put you there.
You are a mystery.

I would not buy you.
You make me want to barf.
You are "not for individual sale" --
You did not come alone.
Yet I did not drink your friends.

From whence did you come
O vile bubblegum soda?
I ask this day and night.
Please someone drink it.

The Unkindest Cut

I've been thinking about getting my hair cut. Like, short. Like really short. Well, not that short. Chin-length, maybe.

I'm having trouble deciding, though. First of all I read that thing on J's blog about "things women need to know about men." Apparently women should never cut their hair never ever. Men like long hair a whole really lot and don't like short hair at all.

THEY DO? Oh my God really? Well then I'd better not cut my hair, right, because otherwise I'll be alone forever and I'll have to get a bunch of cats even more than the two I already have (yes in addition to the dogs oh my God I'm already the crazy pet lady!!!).

So it went in my head. Sanity prevailed, though. The Sunday wedding announcements are always helpful for moments like that. All kinds of people get married. Short-haired people, long-haired people, fat people, skinny people, young people, old people, ugly people, pretty people, black people, white people, purple-people-eater people.... (The word "people" has now lost all meaning for me.)

But then C reacted to my idea with the appalled horror most people would reserve for the announcement that, say, it might be fun to go out and eat some babies with barbecue sauce. (Yuck! Everybody knows babies taste better with gravy.)

I dunno. What do y'all think? To cut or not to cut?

For the record, bar-related concerns aren't an issue, because if you think I'm in there every morning fussing with each strand of hair for an hour, you're clearly not taking the ba--well...hm...actually, I've seen you there at BarBri with your perfectly coifed 'do and your manicured nails and flirty skirt and 4-inch heels.

Bitch.

Feel My Wrath

Dear Jerks:

1) It is 1:38 a.m.

2) I am studying for the bar exam. At 1:38 in the morning.

3) I am NOT A HAPPY PERSON right now.

4) If you value your continued state of living, you will immediately cease and desist in your SETTING OFF OF FIREWORKS!! At 1:38 in the morning! On a day that is NOT, I repeat NOT, the 4th of July! In a place that is under a fireworks ban! WHILE I'M STUDYING FOR THE BAR EXAM!!!!!!!

Positive Visualization

If this is me studying for the bar, THIS is what I'll look like after:


Please note the sun-bronzed tan.

Still studying. Mostly. When I'm not playing on the South Park character generator.

Gotta Build Me an Arkie Arkie

Wow, did someone mention something about needing a little rain?

I've been all atwitter with anticipation over this most exciting occasion. It's like Christmas and New Year's and my birthday all rolled into one!

See, in case you didn't catch on earlier, my house is a bit of a fixer-upper. I was so busy regaling you with thrilling tales of air-conditioning derring-do, I didn't even bother telling you about the puzzling, astonishing, electrifying, (potentially arousing?) case of the poorly draining backyard!

Which leads inevitably and tragically to the case of the flooded living room...but that's a story for another day.

Whatever, so things had to be done. What I assumed, given my vast knowledge of and experience in the area of home improvement, would be a simple task of adding some gutters turned into a months-long saga of pain and heartbreak and occasionally margaritas, except the part about the margaritas has nothing to do with anything except did I mention they taste good?

I learned far more than I ever cared to about this phenomenon that is known as the "french drain." I had always wondered what those were when I was looking at houses. It appeared on every seller's disclosure as "not applicable." What was this mysterious thing, pondered perplexed I, or perhaps I perplexedly pondered. What was it for? It sounded exotic, kind of sexy, and maybe a little bit dirty too, like you'd have one of those french drains next to your bidet and after a night of sweaty throbbing passion you'd use it for...for...well, something.

Hm, well, I have one now. And gutters, and strange giant pipes leading off to unknown netherworlds, and even a bewildering concrete box containing some kind of pump, and possibly a tiny village of Smurfs, but I think they bite so I don't dare to venture out there to check.

Today was the first time it's actually rained enough to matter, so I've been running back and forth, avidly watching this Rube Goldberg-esque production as it whisks water to and fro and over the windmill that triggers the boot that kicks that chicken that lays the egg that engages the catapult that shoots the water over the fence.

---

It's a lot more fun than studying, which is what I've been doing all day. That, and no drinking of margaritas. However much this post might appear to belie that fact.

Dude, the bar exam sucks.