Not So Spooky

Well, once again it's Halloween, and I can't help but feel a little bit bummed.

What happened to all the scary movies on TV? The best I could find last night was the Scooby Doo Halloween special, and for some reason that didn't really appeal to me. Even the reruns of The Simpsons have been regular episodes. Where's the holiday spirit? Sigh.

My little niece A is going trick-or-treating for the first time tonight. I'm going with her. She's dressing up as an individual of _______ national origin [redacted for anonymity concerns], so I decided to do the same. We're both going to wear the traditional garb of our people, which is both traditional and very garb-like. I was appalled to discover that only my fat traditional garb (kind of like fat jeans but oh so much more depressing) currently fits decently. That made me sad, so I ate some Reese's to feel better.

Hie Me to a Nunnery

I have a confession to make. It's pretty humiliating, but I've been tormented by this for a long while, and I'm tired of living a lie.

You know all of those great shows on pay cable? I like them and all, but dear God, I'm sick of the sex. It happens in movies sometimes too, but I think cable TV shows are the worst. It's like the shows' creators are going, hey, we're on cable, so that means we need to stick in a bunch of raunchy sex! Do we have enough boobs in this shot? How about if we add more lesbian make-out scenes? People LOVE those!

And I hate it. I find it embarrassing to watch. I much prefer the reruns of Sex and the City on TBS, because it means I'm spared another one of Samantha's screaming orgasms. I tried to watch Masters of Horror, 'cuz I like me some horror, but it turned out to be more like Masters of Porn. (Fear Itself on NBC did a better job of actually attempting "horror" – but I think that's off the air now.)

And now I'm watching True Blood, which is great if you like vampires (and I do), but gaaaaaawd. I told my parents it was pretty good, so last time I was visiting them, they turned on the episode where Horny Brother overdoses on vampire blood. I'll spare you the details, but the episode basically devolves into a 20-minute masturbation session. I thought I might die.

So ENOUGH already. I tried to be cool about it. I tried to pretend to be the kind of breezy liberal bohemian person who says, yes, please, do show me more S&M and fantasy rape scenes. But I'm just not. Apparently I'm one pair of Sarah Palin glasses and a witchcraft exorcism away from raving fundamentalism.