Rules of the Pool
When we were kids and had the only pool on the block (and thus every kid on the block was always in said pool), a friend gave my parents a sign for the yard that read, "Welcome to our ool. Notice there is no 'P' in it. Please keep it that way."
When you're 6, that is hilarious.
Now we're all grown up, and I have my own pool. It's about 85% annoyance and 15% fun, the latter of which has occurred solely in the last three weeks since the bar exam. I'm out there every day. I even went swimming last night at 3 a.m. I was afraid I'd hit my head and drown and nobody would find my bloated corpse for days, so I did little weenie strokes with my head always above the water. I didn't drown, so yay.
Or MAYBE I did drown and am now a ghost except I don't realize it so I go on living my life and something always happens to thwart me when I try to leave my house omigod I didn't leave my house today!
Eh, C and her husband brought me pizza and a movie tonight, so I guess being dead isn't that bad.
As for the pool, since we are all adults, let's assume no one is peeing in it. (Please don't pee in my pool. Please?)
But that's not the only disgusting thing people can do in the pool. Someone was in there recently (don't worry, it wasn't you) who swam around with their mouth open at the water level, constantly sucking in water and gargling like it was Listerine and then spitting it back into the pool, over and over, all around my pool. I felt like throwing up.
You should also never throw up in my pool.
Basically, please do not deposit any of your bodily excretions, secretions, and other byproducts into my pool. That pretty much covers it.
I don't care how you look in your swimsuit, even if it's a really heinous speedo that God never intended you, or anyone else, to wear. That's just fine, especially if you don it with a certain devil-may-care panache.
I'm sad about the way so many people don't feel comfortable being seen in a swimsuit (I'm certainly guilty of this!). I'm not even necessarily talking about unhealthily obese people...just normal people who maybe aren't swimsuit models but are healthy and active and should be able to hop in the pool in front of other adults without feeling like they should be ashamed.
Why should we (especially women!) spend our lives never getting to enjoy the beach or a friend's pool or frigging water parks? Even if someone does happen to be legitimately overweight, don't they deserve to enjoy a nice summer day the same as everyone else? It just isn't fair.
So here is my vow. I'm having some people over on Sunday to go swimming. Past experience has shown that generally, nobody actually goes in the pool or even brings their swimsuit. (I've attempted to circumvent this by ensuring there will be actual CHILDREN there, children who don't give a rat's ass how pudgy anyone's thighs are, and who will have so much fun in the pool that no one else can resist!)
And me, well, I promise to be there IN A SWIMSUIT. And I will get in the pool. I reserve the right to wear a coverup until I'm inches from the water, then throw it off my body and fling myself into the pool in a graceless bellyflop so rapidly you'll never get an actual glimpse of my body. But dammit, I am going to have fun in my pool in front of other people, and anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my ass!
