Worst. Movie. Ever.

I saw an early preview of Hatchet because I'm special that way. I had never heard of that movie before, but apparently it is all the rage at film festivals and all the cool people love it.

I think the theory is that you go to the preview, and then you tell all your friends how totally awesome the movie is, and then the movie comes out and they all see it and good times are had and money is made. But, like evolution and gravity, the theory simply doesn't hold up.

I feel compelled to use my powers of movie previewdom to warn all of you, my friends, to stay away from this movie. Do not waste your time. Do not waste your money. In fact, I want my money back...and I got in for free.

No redeeming value. Stupid story. Terrible acting. A horror movie utterly lacking in horror. It doesn't even have kitsch value. It was just BAD. I can't even describe it as torture porn...more like "gore porn." Which served as a great counterpoint to all the real porn, which is unabashedly featured throughout, in the grand Shakespearean tradition, as a movie within the movie. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

For the first time in my life, I was ready to walk out – and after the first three minutes, to boot. Quite a feat. Except I couldn't because I had to pay my bill for the food, and the service was rotten and I didn't even get my bill until half an hour after the movie ended, and when it came there were three margaritas on the bill that I had not received, though it's true that I had ordered one, and then repeatedly reminded the server of that fact when it did not appear, to no avail in terms of my own personal margarita consumption, though clearly the orders were noted for the purposes of bill padding. Maybe a margarita or twenty would have have made the movie go down easier, or at least it would have placed me in enough of a stupor that I could float along mindlessly until permitted, mercifully, to leave.

Bah humbug.