Summer of My Discontent

It's official. Summer is over. It may not feel like fall; it may not look like fall – but the calendar says "September," and that's good enough for me.

I celebrated by going to Overpriced Craft Store and buying Overpriced Autumnal Decor. It's totally cheap if you buy the components and make your OWN autumnal decor, but pleeeeze...what do I look like? So I paid the price and plunked it on my dining room table and it looks totally pretty.

Other than that, I guess I'm doing okay. This summer was tough, as you know. I'm still feeling disillusioned about work and particularly bummed since I DIDN'T win the lottery last night even though I think I really really deserved to. And I spent a good part of it worrying over That Bad Thing I Hoped Wouldn't Happen But Could Very Likely Have Happened...but which thankfully didn't happen. And it could have totally screwed me over at work if it had, so you'd think I'd be more grateful about work since it DIDN'T, but being human and irrational, it really doesn't. Of course, it could still happen, though I think more likely not at this stage. Whew.

All in all, it was a great relief to see the calendar turn over to September. I've been so exhausted lately...bad attitude all around, struggling to shove it down inside so no one notices and then feeling completely overwhelmed with emotion and stress each evening when I get home that I take it out on people who don't deserve it.

I left work early on Friday to go to a conveniently scheduled doctor's appointment, then spent all evening hanging out with little A. She left and I went to sleep, and then I slept and I slept and had dream after dream about oversleeping for work and for class and for other important things, but it didn't matter. I finally got up at 5 in the evening and felt...drained. Like I'd been in a coma for a month instead of asleep for 17 hours. But I also felt really good and, for once in my life, like I didn't want to climb right back into bed.

I think I needed it, and it's been good. I'm hopeful that the fall – and my SECOND year of legal practice – will be better. I think maybe yes to the first and no way to the second. I'm considering my options going forward, since I don't see that this state is sustainable. I've resolved to fix up my home so it's great for resale or for me to stay in without needing to make changes, and if I can manage that, I will try to pay it off, and if I can manage that, I will work on increasing my savings....until eventually I just can't manage it anymore, and then I will do something else. I think I can, at a minimum, make it through year #2, and then we'll see where that takes me.