Hie Me to a Nunnery

I have a confession to make. It's pretty humiliating, but I've been tormented by this for a long while, and I'm tired of living a lie.

You know all of those great shows on pay cable? I like them and all, but dear God, I'm sick of the sex. It happens in movies sometimes too, but I think cable TV shows are the worst. It's like the shows' creators are going, hey, we're on cable, so that means we need to stick in a bunch of raunchy sex! Do we have enough boobs in this shot? How about if we add more lesbian make-out scenes? People LOVE those!

And I hate it. I find it embarrassing to watch. I much prefer the reruns of Sex and the City on TBS, because it means I'm spared another one of Samantha's screaming orgasms. I tried to watch Masters of Horror, 'cuz I like me some horror, but it turned out to be more like Masters of Porn. (Fear Itself on NBC did a better job of actually attempting "horror" – but I think that's off the air now.)

And now I'm watching True Blood, which is great if you like vampires (and I do), but gaaaaaawd. I told my parents it was pretty good, so last time I was visiting them, they turned on the episode where Horny Brother overdoses on vampire blood. I'll spare you the details, but the episode basically devolves into a 20-minute masturbation session. I thought I might die.

So ENOUGH already. I tried to be cool about it. I tried to pretend to be the kind of breezy liberal bohemian person who says, yes, please, do show me more S&M and fantasy rape scenes. But I'm just not. Apparently I'm one pair of Sarah Palin glasses and a witchcraft exorcism away from raving fundamentalism.