A Hairy Situation

You probably don't want to read this if you're male.

In typical fashion, after months of discussing it and obsessing over it and analyzing all possible aspects of it and driving everyone crazy over it...I decided to go and get laser hair removal.

Please don't judge me. I know this is the kind of thing that people with too much money do to slightly reduce the overwhelming burden of hauling around all that money. But I...y'know...really wanted to do it.

Anyway, I think it's awesome. I was horrified/saddened to discover that it's not one-zap-hey-you're-done, but that apparently it takes six or more sessions spread out at eight-week intervals. Dudes, that takes me into frigging 2009, potentially. I will not need to shave my legs by then anyway because we will all be wearing space suits and zipping around in our flying cars. On Mars. With bionic bodies that don't grow hair anyway.

I still think it's cool, though. There's really only one downside. It's kind of like when I'm at my ideal weight, instead of feeling happy about myself and pretty and confident, I suddenly find new things about myself that I don't like. Maybe it's good to just feel fat if it means I don't spend time worrying about my nose. Well, now I've discovered new areas that really should be hairless. As in, pretty much everywhere that isn't on my head or the pre-approved, expertly shaped eyebrow region.

This led to me pondering the sociological ramifications of Western women's obsession with hair removal. I'm all deep like that. How strange that what we're striving for is, essentially, to make our bodies look more like children's. Really sick, that.

I have at least one dear friend who proudly proclaims her freedom from shaving and embraces all that results therefrom. However, said friend is a big ol' hippie who lives in Hippie-Land, and her hippie husband is perhaps even more enthusiastic about her liberation than she is. How nice for them.

So, I contemplated all of this. For five seconds. And then signed up for the platinum package. Hair-free in 2010, baby!!

Life After Harry

Around the time I read the last Harry Potter book, I found myself asking the big questions, pondering the meaning of all of this. Such as, why will there be no more Harry Potter books?

This made me very sad, and as I said in the post linked above, my one consolation was the fact that surely I will come across some other books that I'll love just as much. I embarked upon an epic search for such books, and I will occasionally post about the results here. I would also love to hear suggestions. It's not necessary that the books be "like" Harry Potter or fantasy books or children's books – mostly I just want something that's really enjoyable to read, something that has a kind of sweeping scope that transports you to another place.

Well, back in August and September I read the His Dark Materials series by Philip Pullman. I meant to post about it sooner, but then I got sick and then I kept waiting until I got over that and to be honest I still haven't really gotten over that, at least not mentally in such a way that I am back to being the way I was before all of that.

But now the movie of the first book, The Golden Compass, is out, and I feel very remiss in having delayed so long. Movies change the way that people feel about the books...a bad movie might turn you away from a good book; a good movie might leave expectations that the book can't fulfill. (For a good example of the latter, see The Last of the Mohicans – still one of my very favorite movies, but the book, which I read first, is just...blah...maybe it is the glistening male bodies in the movie, but no, I think it's more...the book is boring. Bor-ing. Yawn.) And then of course there's The Dark Is Rising, my recommendation for people seeking post-Harry reading, but I understand the movie sucks. I haven't seen it yet....

I also haven't seen The Golden Compass. But I have read the books, all three of them, even.

And...I thought they were...okay. Just okay. I was not transported; I did not find them worthy of great obsession or discussion. If there was some kind of (anti-)religious agenda, to be honest it didn't really occur to me. I was surprised at some of the content (I have seen all of the various commentary in advance of the movies, but it wasn't really those issues mentioned that struck me....one of the things that got me, and which I haven't seen mentioned elsewhere, is...dude, those angels are toootally gay).

I also didn't realize that The Chronicles of Narnia had a pro-religious agenda, so there you go. Oh, and I think that Moby Dick is all about the fact that the author just had a thing for whales. No, seriously. I read the unabridged version for "fun" (ha ha ha) and there is this passage that goes on for page after page about all the different whale crap that is in this particular town....there's this whale-shaped door-knocker, that whale painting, and blah blah blah....dude just liked whales, if you ask me.

Um. What was I saying? Something about whales, and how they bore me, especially when they feature in books?

Oh, wait, His Dark Materials. Here's the pocket review:

Plot Summary: Skipping it as you can read the movie reviews. Some cool conceits, like the notion that the characters have animal familiars that function as their souls, but that's not really the point.

Harry Potter Replaceability Factor: 4 out of 10. Diverting only for the moment, totally lacking in the richness and texture of the HP books. Despite the Big Topics and the traveling across worlds and everything else that HDM offered, I still couldn't help feeling that, compared to HP, the HDM books were somehow...small.

Not-a-Harry-Potter-Ripoff Factor: 9 out of 10. Really not a ripoff at all. At least the first book, and maybe more, came out well before the first HP book. That does score it a lot of points as far as I'm concerned. I hate pandering....

Overall: I think my big complaint is that I felt so remote from it all. The things that happened, any danger facing the characters, didn't really impact me. I read it, but I wasn't ever really invested in it. Just....okay.

If I Were a Kid: Hard to say. I think I might have liked it a lot. The whole animal-soul thing probably rates really high with a kid who likes animals. And of course the whole kids-with-important-destinies thing would have played well with Kid-Me. I inevitably would have missed whatever religious commentary the books might have contained – no surprise, as even Adult-Me is so totally oblivious. There is some content in the third book, which I will reference only obliquely so as not to spoil it for anyone still reading, that I think may have actually gone outside of my decency boundaries for kids...and as someone who spent her childhood reading Stephen King and watching horror movies, I have really liberal decency boundaries....but then again, maybe kids would also not read into those scenes the meaning that I did. No more to be said about that unless you've read it.

Recommendation: Eh, go ahead and read it. I know this is a lukewarm review, but if your bookcase has been cold and bare since Harry's departure, this just might be the adventure series you've been looking for. Moi, I think I will reread The Dark Is Rising and watch Lord of the Rings and dream of better days....

Birthday Baby

It's that time again...precisely two years ago at this moment, my niece A was born. It was a cold and wintry day – my IP final that morning had been pushed back to the late afternoon due to the icy conditions, and I didn't discover until I got home that evening that A was on her way.

I went to the birthing center and studied Secured Transactions and pondered the miracle of natural birth. Or rather, became yet more convinced that I will definitely get the good drugs when/if I have kids. As C has hilariously commented regarding the potential effects of said drugs on the baby, I'll just consider it my very first birthday gift to him or her.

Anyway, today A had a great time being treated like a little princess. Which was no different than any other day. Pretty much every day is a great day when you're A.

She was so enamored of one of my parents' presents (a play purse that came filled with highly realistic replicas of the things that fascinate her in grown-up purses, like a cell phone and keys), she wouldn't stop playing with them long enough to move on to her other presents. She also refused to put the items in her purse, insisting on gathering all of the things in her arms, which of course led to her dropping something, which of course led to her wailing in despair, "My keys!" or whatever she had dropped.

This was all very cute, but dudes, I got her a very awesome like-real baby doll that I was just dying for her to open. She was having none of it. I finally asked her if I could open her presents, and she said, "Ooookay," but when she saw me actually go over and start to touch one of HER PRESENTS, she broke land-speed records racing over to pull it out of my hands. That awful aunt. Can't trust her with anything. She loved the doll but found the responsibility of feeding the baby her bottle and carrying her around a bit much, so she decided the baby was "so sleepy" and needed a nap. A had calls to make, after all.

I asked if I could use some of her powder and make some calls, and she let me a bit, but then she became suspicious (since, as discussed previously, I was not to be trusted). She finally handed all of her gear to my dad and very clearly instructed him not to let me have any of it. She doesn't have the words for it yet, but there was no doubt what she meant. She handed him the items, turned and pointed at me and then her toys, and then said to my dad, "No Aunt ____!" She didn't walk off until he assured her I wouldn't be allowed to play with her toys.

Sooo not fair.

What I Am Up Against

It's 1 a.m. These are my choices.

I can:

(1) Go to bed;

(2) Exercise;

(3) Write Christmas cards (several of which are headed overseas); or

(4) Post on my blog.

Did I mention the part about how I could go to bed now? See ya around, suckas.

And don't be waiting by your mailbox for that card, either.

The Pre-Thanksgiving Uuuuugh

It's still Wednesday, but I'm already stuffed to the brim. I think it is possible that I will explode in the night. This may be my last sad missive sent out to the world. I should probably make sure I say something really important and thought-provoking.

Ummmmm....

So, my brother and his family came over today. They'll be spending tomorrow with his wife's family, in an eminently reasonable yearly swap (the family that gets Thanksgiving one year gets Christmas the next, and vice versa). The fact that it's reasonable of course means nothing to the overly sensitive, but so be it. Better than the contortions I've seen others go through. I have recently heard both of the following oxymoronic rationales:

(1) My family is small, so they really depend on me being there. Your big family won't miss you. Thus, every holiday should be spent with my family.

(2) My family is huge, so it is just about impossible for everyone to get together. Your small family can get together any time. In fact, why don't they just have Thanksgiving on a different day? Thus, every holiday should be spent with my family.

I think I would divorce both of the above people.

Anywho, this year is not our Thanksgiving. I happened to say to my brother that I'd be cooking on Wednesday and it would be great if he wanted to come over. He seemed really excited about this. Then I realized that, um, he thought I meant I'd be cooking a big dinner for Wednesday. Ha ha ha. Foolish child. The cornbread will not souffle itself.

So I promised to order pizza, and then...then...I have no idea what happened, but next thing I knew there were various people in my kitchen and a big meal was being produced and the Thanksgiving treats were suddenly on the table and BY THE WAY there was no room for me to do actual cooking for the actual big-meal day that is NOT today and seriously, who will souffle the cornbread if not me? If you don't have a solution, well, you are part of the problem.

Meanwhile, it's hours later and though I am full with the fullness of she who ate half a pound of crab dip, I am yet oddly deflated. It is, after all, such a letdown. Those foods, those special foods, so tempting and meaningful and kind of capacious (what with the taking up of every spare inch of my refrigerator, and all the other inches I didn't have to spare to begin with)...their glorious luster is somehow diminished when tradition is broken.

Yes, it is true...pumpkin pie loses its mystique when consumed too soon. Its festivity has been dulled by its sheer prematurely devoured tawdriness. Why, pumpkin pie, why did it have to be this way? If you had just waited your turn until tomorrow, maybe we could have really had something together, but now? Now I know all your secrets. I am over you.

There Is No Healthcare Crisis in This Country

Click on picture to view larger size:

License to Litigate

The recent release of bar results made me nostalgic for a simpler time. Ah, memories....

Why am I torturing you with old posts?


The End Is Nigh
Originally posted fall 2006

Repent while there is still time!

I awakened this morning and everything seemed normal. Then the dog turned to me and said, "Cheerio, old girl, and how about a biscuit for your chum." That was pretty extraordinary. That the dog talked, well, whatever, but that he was British? Who knew!

Then I got in my car and drove to work. I knew something was awry the minute the frogs started raining from the sky and the locusts began, you know, plaguing.

Pigs flew. Hell, elephants flew. And everyone knew nothing would ever be the same again.

What's that? You say you missed it? The Apocalypse isn't at hand? You don't see the Four Horsemen bearing down upon you?

Well, how's this for a sign that the End Times are at hand:

At 2:59 p.m. on this day...I discovered that I PASSED THE BAR!

---

Bar Day: The Most Wonderful Day of the Year
Posted a couple of days after the previous post
(Edited for length)

Or more like one of the worst days ever.

I don't know about you, but I really thought that I wouldn't pass, for a variety of reasons. I've spent the last month and a half imagining how things would play out, how it would feel to look at the list and not see my name, how I'd have to explain it to the people I work with, how they'd react, how my friends would treat me like I'd just been diagnosed with a horrible illness.

I woke up Thursday with that nervous-shaky-nauseated-racing-heart sensation that was all too familiar from the bar exam. From there it was all about waiting. One person had a program that checked the main page automatically for new links, others just clicked refresh over and over, and still others just wanted to wait for someone else to tell them the news.

Basically, we were all a little nuts.

So there I sat. And I felt more and more terrified. And I posted the first of the only two posts I will ever write at work. And then, since it was far too early for grades, I read every story on CNN.com and stopped checking the site.

Then, of course, T e-mailed me with two words: "they're up." I can't begin to describe the way my stomach dropped. I thought I would faint. I went to the site, refreshed all the pages...and I couldn't frigging find the results!

I became convinced I'd failed because of the ominous nature of T's e-mail (turns out she sent it the second she saw it was up, without even checking the results), and finally the page came up. And I scrolled and scrolled and scrolled...and didn't see my name.

Felt numb. Checked one more time just to be sure...and there it was!

I called some people, got to be the first to tell them they passed :), and then I flung open my office door and went running out waving my hands in the air and hollering that I'd passed. Apparently my boss was on the phone with opposing counsel with his door open. Ahem.

We almost immediately left for a bar – us and every other newbie lawyer in town, terrifying the locals with our sudden besuited, BlackBerry-clutching descent into the bars. I drank some champagne, not a lot, and had Indian food for dinner and fell asleep watching ER. I am a very elderly, very boring person.

---

You May Call Me "Her Worshipfulness"
Originally posted fall 2006

Today I am a woman.

Wait, sorry, getting confused. I didn't have a bat mitzvah today, although I guess in a lot of ways being sworn in is similar. Both offer crappy fruit punch and crowds of shrieking girls. But nobody offered to draw my caricature today, so I gotta say the bat mitzvah wins.

So, we were sworn in. We arrived a little late but still managed to run through the line to pick up our REAL LIVE law licenses and our REAL LIVE bar cards. I have a bar number. I can't believe I have a bar number. That was really the high point of the day. The woman who handed it to me had huge smile and said, "Congratulations!" so sincerely and enthusiastically that it seemed like she really meant it. It was a great feeling to have my license in my hands.

The ceremony itself was very nicely done. It felt very much like a graduation. We sat in chairs on the floor, family sat in the bleachers around us, and the valedictorian gave a speech. Yes, there is a valedictorian of the bar exam. Yes, the competition never ends. I'm pretty sure that when we retire someone will be the valedictorian of the practice of law.

We raised our hands and swore the oath. It includes a line about "demeaning" ourselves in the practice of law. Demean? DEMEAN? I do not think it means what they think it means. Nevertheless, I feel proud. I have demeaned myself on a daily basis ever since I started working! Fantastic.

An Unusually Tall Ghost

It's almost November already? I really have no idea how that happened. I've been so...filled with a sense of malaise this month. Work was always, ahem, what it was, but this month it's been so very hard just to make it all the way through the day. Nights aren't much better. I started trying to exercise again this week, but otherwise I've been mostly watching TV.

It doesn't help that it's HALLOWEEN month, which means that all the really awesome scary movies are on TV. I love it. I can't get enough. I watched Hellraiser for the first time. It was not a good movie. So of course I watched Hellraiser 2. It was even worse. So of course I watched yet another one...don't remember the title, but based on the plot it was something like Hellraiser: Lost in Space! That one I actually had to seek out specially on On Demand.

I think there's something really really wrong with me.

A local columnist had an article in the paper recently about teen trick-or-treaters. That hit close to home for me. 'Cuz I wish I were a teen trick-or-treater. Of course, I WAS a teen trick-or-treater, as long as I could manage it. I believe I was 15 the last time I went. I would create elaborate costumes (oh, fine, elaborate costume, since I was nuts about Anne Rice and so really all I ever wanted to be was an 18th century vampire) and run around the neighborhood with my similarly stunted friends for hours until all the porch lights were turned off.

I don't get the hostility to my latter-day counterparts. Let the poor sad souls have their fun! All too soon they will be forced to grow up and be shackled to a desk until they're actually HAPPY when they develop serious illnesses and have no choice but to seek solace and joy in the installation of slate flooring. I know, I know, it's not too cute when they don't even bother to dress up...but come on! That sweet surly span of late childhood is all too fleeting. Let us heap upon them tiny treats, lest they too soon awaken to the cold harsh reality of a world in which candy ain't free and your best costume is your courtroom attire.

Meanwhile...I have TOTALLY been thinking about going trick-or-treating. Yes, now. It could go down like this: a nice mask, maybe a ghostly sheet, and the world need never know my shameful shameful secret. I tried to convince my dad to come with me to provide parental supervision so as to complete the disguise, but for some reason he refused.

Nurse Ratched

My niece has become deeply, intensely concerned about everyone's wellbeing. She is forever asking us if we're okay – although it comes out more like, "You 'kay?" A couple of weeks ago, in the middle of a family dinner, she insisted on being taken out of her high chair. She then demanded that we pass her from one person to another, all the way around the table. She'd ask each person, "You 'kay?" and when they said, "Yes," she'd smile, pat them on the head three times, and give them a big hug, and then point to the next person she wanted to be handed to.

When she got to me, I told her, "No." 'Cuz I didn't feel 'kay, and because I'm evil to tiny children. She frowned at me severely, and then began repeating over and over, "You 'kay? You 'kay? You 'kay?" It became less like a question and more like a command. I finally told her I was, indeed, 'kay, and then I got my pat on the head.

:-O ^ 2

It seems I was premature in reporting the cost of my, all things considered, fairly insignificant ailment. The bills have continued to mount. Today, the total is, in fact, double the previously reported amount. As in, "Gee, should I have an appendectomy, or should I buy a Bentley?"

Gosh. I mean, the being alive is nice and all, but I think I'm pretty strong and could have survived regardless. And my car keeps breaking down....

I totally promise no more appendix posts. After all, I have lots going on besides that. Like...um...today I went to a store completely dedicated to Halloween paraphernalia. I didn't buy a thing. It was way over the top. I thought I liked over the top, but somehow, the thought of placing a realistic replica of a disemboweled human on my front lawn doesn't quite appeal to me. Instead I bought a fake pumpkin from Wal-Mart. It cost $1. I think that's awesome.