How Many Lawyers Does It Take?

Yes, I know, I never update my blog anymore. I'd tell you to check my Facebook page (and if you want to, e-mail me privately and I'll give you the URL), except I never update that either. It doesn't help that I've been locked out of my home computer since last month because Microsoft has decided that I am using a pirated version of Windows, which of course I am not. So, I'm doing what any self-respecting, proactive adult would do – using the computer at my Mommy and Daddy's house.

Anywho. Work is good. I still have work, so that is good. Sometimes I have too much work, and that is not so good. I had a summer associate who has now moved on to other pursuits. This is a relief because it means there will be fewer cookies in the office for me to eat, and because I will no longer experience the white-hot blinding rage that comes from dealing with an over-entitled 24-year-old who apparently didn't get the memo about, like, the economy and stuff, and who thinks we're being way harsh to, like, assign work.

Meanwhile, I'm going on vacation soon. That should have been fine, but somehow I've managed to accrue a 15-hour billables deficit. This occurred because there was an Important News Event in my field of practice. "Hey," I mused to those around me, "We should send out a client alert about this Important News Event." Great idea, said all. This Important News Event would make a perfect client alert, a one-paragraph blurb that's intended to inform clients about some Important yet straightforward action they should take.

I very quickly typed out four sentences about the Important News Event and sent it around to the others, proud that I had accomplished a little tidbit of business development in record time. I still don't know exactly what happened next, but it basically involved a pack of lawyers descending on my four sentences, tearing them to shreds, and turning my nice little informative blurb into an opus. My favorite part was when someone objected to my use of the word "because" and changed it to "since." Or maybe it was the other way around. That was around hour 10 of the incident, and I informed said person that I no longer cared. Do whatever you want, I said. Just please, PLEASE stop talking to me about it.

Finally it was done. I sent it to Partner 1 for approval. Partner 1 said, what happened to that nice little thing you wrote earlier? That was much clearer. Let's use that. So I did, and then I had to go to Partner 2 for approval. Then I had to go to Partner 3. Partner 3 said, hey, what happened to that nice meaty piece that was going around earlier? I liked that one better. Use that, but make it more detailed. Details are good.

Then I sent it to the people who prepare the client alerts to be e-mailed. They sent it back to me to proofread. Except they were using the wrong version. So I said, hey, this is the wrong version; please use this one. They said, oops, here you go. Except it was still the same wrong version as before. So I said, hey, this is the wrong version. Stop me if you've heard this one before.... This happened precisely five times, and finally on the fifth time I offered to come down personally to help out. The prospect of gazing upon me in person (known to turn some men to stone!) apparently terrified them into submission, and somehow they managed to use the correct version. Except they mangled some sentences within that. Another five corrections later, and all was well.

So then they send out an e-mail to everyone involved saying, "Now we need a title!" I said I DON'T CARE. No, not kidding, I don't care leave me alone about it stop talking to me!!!!! Of course that means I ended up having to come up with a title after everyone else refused to do so, and of course that led to another hour of debates.

The end result after 145 e-mails and 15 hours? Five sentences sent to hundreds of contacts, two of whom asked us to handle issues created by Important News Event, one non-client who asked for tons of information about how to handle issues created by Important News Event and then handled it themselves, and one irate phone call from someone outraged about receiving our "spam" and demanding to never ever receive e-mails like that again, except don't take them off the mailing list because they still want to hear about "important crap, just not crap-crap like that crap you sent today."