Smell Ya Later

Contrary to popular belief, I do in fact bathe daily. But I have taken J's advice to use it as a study break. So off I go to do that now.

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In other news, mnemonics are fun. I like to think I'm bringing the joy of mnemonics to the world. And I would share mine with you, except they are all obscene and vulgar and possibly illegal in 12 states.

It's 3 a.m. and All's Well

And I'm studying!

Someone somewhere is, I'm sure, really freaked out about that fact. It means I'm going to pass and they're not AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I know this because they've been engaging in similar antics all summer long.

It would be nice to leave it at that and let them stew. But please, dahling, do you think I've been studying since 8 a.m. in the morning? I wasn't even conscious until well after 1 in the afternoon. I am nocturnal and loving it!

Answer Lady

Frolics and Detours e-mailed me with some great tips she found on her exam instruction sheet. Well, yeah, if you're going to be all logical about it....

Anyway, so I dug out my instruction sheet. Here are the answers to some of my burning questions.

1. We are permitted to bring a floppy disk drive and a mouse and a keyboard, if we wish. (A keyboard! I didn't even think of that. Think I'll stick with the laptop keyboard anyway.)


2. We may NOT bring our own floppy disks for backup. They will provide us with backup disks, which we must return to them at the end of the day.
   


3. I was mistaken. We do not get to use our laptops for the P&E, only the MPT and Essays. So there are in fact TWO files for the essays, one labeled "A.M." and one "P.M." That answers my question about what happens during lunch on day 3. They suggest carrying our laptop with us to lunch that day.


4. It appears we need to seek special dispensation to have medication in the testing room with us. This sucks, as I would otherwise have preferred to keep some Aleve on hand just in case.


5. Items (besides those listed above) we can bring into the exam room: admission ticket, photo ID, pens, pencils, highlighters, silent timers, ear plugs. We may store these in a transparent ziploc bag if we desire.
   


6. Things we can't bring in: purses, backpacks, food, beverages. I'm assuming this also includes laptop bags???? So, what, we just come wandering in holding our laptops in our hands? Dumb.


7. Apparently we are permitted to leave if we need a bathroom break, but it sounds onerous enough that I'd suggest avoiding that at all costs. That shouldn't be too hard, since we can't bring any beverages in....


8. They will give us scratch paper for the MPT only. We are not permitted the use of scratch paper for any other section.
   

Can't Win for Losing

We had a BarBri lecture last week on how to take the bar. That involved the usual pep talk, discussions of grading, and so forth. The lecturer was very entertaining and generally reassuring.

And then...then he managed to freak everyone out. He started by admonishing those who are going to be handwriting to write very neatly. He went into a long digression on the exact type of pen they should buy, and how they should test out all kinds of different pens, and make sure they choose a pen that's really right for them and fills their hearts with joy. Of course, writing neatly will be hard, he said, because you'll be writing so much. But make sure your essays are really neat and organized anyway.

By this point, those of us who were going to be using laptops were feeling very smug. Ha ha. The bar examiners will delight in our Times New Roman legibility and fancy centered headings!

But then the lecturer turned on us. Did we know, he said, that bar examiners expect so much more out of us? Organization must be impeccable. The Queen herself must envy our perfect grammar and flawless spelling. No excuses! They would go easy on those poor pen-testing handwriters, but not us. They would give the handwritten but otherwise identical essay a higher score.

Greeeeeat. Just great. So now the laptoppers were feeling crappy, and the handwriters were smirking. In order to ensure maximum panic, Lecturer Dude then pipes up, "Of course, if I were taking the bar, I would definitely use the laptop! I can type so much faster than I can write, and it's great to have the ability to go back and change things easily if necessary."

Sigh.

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He didn't mention another thing that's been concerning me, so I'm hoping it's irrelevant. I had a professor last semester who freaked me out. He made some comment about how he thinks handwritten exams tend to be better than the typed ones. You see, he said, they always write so much more!

So I'm sitting there thinking, you asshole. Helloooooooooo! The same amount of text will almost always appear longer if it is handwritten rather than typed.

But what if the bar examiners think the same stupid thing? What if my, I dunno, 3-page, single-spaced, 10-pt font essay appears desperately inadequate compared to some handwriter's shorter-in-reality-but-impressive-in-appearance 8 pages double-spaced?

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I also wish he had gone into more practical concerns. Like...can we bring in a snack, a drink, performance-enhancing drugs? Earplugs? An extra sweater? A mouse and mousepad if we're typing? External disk drive + disk for backup? How is this going to work on day 3, when we have essays in the morning, a break for lunch, and then more essays in the afternoon? The bar software only has one file for that entire day. Are we just going to leave our laptops sitting there in the room, open to the half-completed test, while we go off for lunch?

The Carnage Continues

A lot of people have been talking about how they've been using up highlighters and pens in massive quantities. Three pens a day, and so forth.

Me, I have evolved. No more pens and paper for me. I much prefer to study with my computer. I'm even taking the bar exam on my laptop. So the pens and highlighters of the world are safe from me.

But I do seem to be killing an inordinate number of batteries with my wireless mouse.... Too much clickage?

User Manual

I've been receiving reports from people that their bar exam-takers are defective or malfunctioning. This is of great concern to me, as it illustrates a common misconception. The truth is it's not the bar-takers that are the problem -- it's that people don't know how to properly operate them!

So for all the friends, family, spouses, and assorted hangers-on of those taking the bar, I present to you...

The Bar-Taker User Manual

1. Your bar-taker is busy.


2. Your bar-taker does not want to talk to you.


3. Your bar-taker does not want to do housework. Do it for them.


4. Your bar-taker does not want to make you dinner.


5. Your bar-taker does not want to go out to dinner with you.


6. Make your bar-taker dinner. At their home.


7. Clean everything up after you make your bar-taker dinner.


8. Your bar-taker did not ask you how your day was because your bar-taker does not care. Get over it.


9. Don't ask your bar-taker how their day was. It sucked! Don't waste their time by making them tell you how much it sucked.


10. Stop calling your bar-taker. I told you already, they don't want to talk to you.


11. Don't try to teach your bar-taker anything new. They don't have room in their heads for anything but the rule against perpetuities. They will not listen to you.


12. Your bar-taker does not want to go see Pirates of the Caribbean with you. Even though Johnny Depp is in it. Go by yourself and leave them alone so they can study.


13. Your bar-taker does not want to hear about how they'll pass the bar even if they don't study. They won't. So stop it already.


14. Your bar-taker does not want to hear about how this is just another test, and if they know how to do anything after all these years, it's how to take a test, ha ha ha. It isn't, and they don't. So stop it already.


15. Your bar-taker does not want to hear about how much time they still have to study. In reality, they might as well be sitting there taking the bar right now. There is no time at all and you are stealing what precious little time they do have by going on about how much time they have to study. So just freaking stop it already!


16. Spouses and significant others, your bar-taker does not want to have sex with you.


17. Spouses and significant others, if your bar-taker does want to have sex with you, they will inform you of this fact. You should then be prepared to tender prompt and efficient performance. Then leave them alone.


18. Your bar-taker doesn't have time to go to the grocery store. Go yourself. Buy your bar-taker snacks while you are there. They are partial to Cheeze-Its.


19. Your bar-taker does not feel like bathing. Hold your nose and learn to live with it.


20. Your bar-taker does not feel like sleeping. Enjoy the extra space in the bed.


21. Your bar-taker has, in fact, degenerated into a subhuman creature whose sole purpose in life is learning the law. All semblance of compassion and human decency has been drained from their bodies. You are lucky they don't attack you and eat your brains.


22. Don't like it? Might I offer a solution?


23. Be warned that by seeking the above solution, you will never get the chance to do this.
    

Crystal Ball Part III

And then at precisely THIS moment three weeks from today...

...I will be passed out on the floor. With a happy-sloppy-drunk grin on my face.

Crystal Ball Part II

And at this moment precisely three weeks from today...

...I WILL BE COMPLETELY SMASHED AT THE BAR!!!

Crystal Ball

At this moment precisely three weeks from today...

...WE WILL BE COMPLETELY FINISHED WITH THE BAR!

No Train, No Gain

Y'know...not that I miss the train with the daily invasion of my bodily integrity and the hot-boiling rage...but driving sure makes it hard to keep up with my summer reading, which is of course my priority right now.

I was zipping through books at a steady clip of about two per week, in addition to any number of magazines, the newspaper, and whatever other reading material I could scrounge up. Now? Not so much.

I hope the many many people who have loaned me books recently will be patient. I think I gave them a false sense of my reading-speediness that last semester of law school (the semester of "why on earth would I want to do a stupid thing like READ for CLASS?"). I promise I will return your books to you. Some day. After I pass the bar. On my 24th try. In 2018. :-P