Lifestyles of the Old and Well-Rested

My brother used to ask why I hardly ever post on my blog anymore, but now he doesn't even bother.

The thing is, I've become even more elderly in my habits lately. First, I cut out the caffeine..and look, I know I've been beating a decaf horse over this issue lately, but it really is the most wonderful thing ever and I think everyone should try it and energy drinks should be BANNED and I did read that people who drink something like 6 or more cups of coffee a day have a lower rate of certain types of cancer but WHATEVER I am guessing they end up dying of heart attacks much sooner anyway.

Then, I decided to start going to bed earlier. Like at 10. It's awesome. I feel great all day!

The point of doing so was to get up at 6 to exercise (as opposed to my previous habit, which involved procrastinating all night and finally exercising at, oh, 10:30 or 11 or midnight or even later). So now I don't exercise at night at all. Except, oops, so far I haven't managed to get up at 6 either...more like 7...or 8. Which means no exercise.

Maybe this week it will finally happen! I really think I need to exercise, not just because I'm a fat fat mcfatty lardbutt, but also because I'm starting to have trouble sleeping. Maybe I DON'T need 10 hours every night? Who knew.

Touriquette

Just about every time I give a tour of my house, I'm shocked speechless by various types of rude behavior. (Not any of YOU, beautiful blog people – you have all acquitted yourself with grace and tact on tours...but you are, alas, the only ones.)

I've seen it all. I've had people enter areas I don't invite them into, make rude comments, throw open closet doors or yank open drawers and start nosing through the contents.... Geez, people. What if I keep a naked man in chains in the closet?

Of course I don't, but the point is, I COULD, and politeness dictates that you not attempt to seek him out in the dark corners of my home.

I recently gave a tour to a couple of my parents' visiting friends who essentially invited themselves over. The husband, you guessed it, started opening the closet doors.

I'm becoming bolder/grumpier in my old age, so this time I actually spoke up when he opened the closet in my bedroom and gently said we weren't doing a "closet tour" today. (I can't be the only one who cleans up the house by shoving all the junk in the closets, can I?)

So then he immediately proceeded to open another closet door. More sharply, I said, "Please don't look in the closets." Meanwhile, his wife went running off into a back bathroom I had not intended to include on the tour, and the husband of course opened yet ANOTHER closet.

So you see, Officer, that's why I had to do it....

Iowa: Root of All Evil?

Witness:

1. Iowa is the first state to hold its caucus.

2. Politicians, whether or not they're currently running for president, pander to Iowa.

3. Iowa is full of corn farmers.

4. Corn farmers love ethanol.

5. Politicians love ethanol.

6. Corn, a major food crop, has been turned into a fuel source.

7. Food prices increase.

8. Ethanol reduces fuel efficiency.

9. Fuel prices increase.

10. All prices increase.

11. ERGO: Recession!

Living in a Decaffeinated World

I had my doubts, especially since I felt particularly awful for the first several weeks of Project Caffeine Abatement.

But it looks like it's actually worked – I feel so much better now it's incredible. Who knew it was the evil caffeine all along?

On Time, and Reclaiming a Part of It

I imagine it won't come as a huge surprise to hear that I'm not entirely happy with my work situation. It is true that, as my ideal work situation would involve lots of situations accompanied by absolutely no work, it is unlikely that I will ever be totally satisfied as long as I need money and stuff. (Sure, being a beach bum sounds cool, but unfortunately I hate the beach.)

I've agonized over what to do about this. Do I leave? And if I leave, how far do I go? (I mean, there is the firm down the street, and then there is the Peace Corps.)

Ultimately, though, I think a lot of my dissatisfaction boils down simply to a lack of time. I work and work and work, yet I still have struggled to meet my hour requirements since the fall – it's like something crucial has been dislodged, and I just can't seem to get the motivation anymore to make up the time that gets sucked away through meetings and other nonbillable-yet-totally-mandatory things by working nights or weekends.

But I really like the people I work with, and my work, well, it's maybe not thrilling, but most of the time it's not so bad. And a lot of the really rotten stuff isn't quite the focus of my practice, or is more "reputation" building work that a Person Who Wants To Be Partner should do.

So the job itself isn't unbearable...but the hours are. It's been clear for a long time that if I'm going to stay, something has to change. My firm has a part-time program, but I didn't know for sure if it would work out for me.

Ironically, I worked up the courage to ask about it for the first time the very day I ended up with appendicitis – I guess I was feeling particularly exhausted that day for some reason! The response was positive, but I still hadn't approached the main boss about it. I finally did that recently, and it looks like this may actually work out. They were willing to consider it immediately, but the official policy calls for at least two years with the firm before alternative schedules can be pursued. I think I'm going to try to make it to that point but then make the switch pretty much immediately. With any luck, I'll be a much happier person by the holidays. (I actually kept thinking that this year during the holidays – okay, this sucks, but this is the LAST TIME EVER.)

Right now it looks like I will select the 120 billable hrs/month program. That still = a full-time job, for those who don't have to bill hours (or for any people out there who cheat on your hours, you darn cheating cheaters!), but it would offer a lot more flexibility. It also offers the de facto election NOT to be partner. That would not be a good thing if I wanted to be a partner, but dear God, why would I want to do that to myself?

Getting off the partnership track means freedom from a lot of the onerous time-sucking tasks and the ability to set my own schedule to a much greater degree. Plus, at that level, I still would have health insurance, which I feel I need to get through the firm rather than individually (tempted though I was to consider the 80 hr/mo schedule, which would have meant working perhaps a mere five hours a day).

My supervising partners told me to think about the kind of schedule I would want to work under the plan, and it occurred to me that if I could just get myself to work by 8 a.m., I might actually be able to leave before rush hour hits in the afternoon. It's a rare day that I can even manage to leave my house that early, but maybe I could do it if I knew I could be home before 5. Thoughts? Keep in mind my extreme sleepiness.

Oh well. It's still all conjecture until this gets finalized, and I won't begin taking formal measures until the summer. Even so, it feels good just to know that this isn't forever.

How Come...

...it feels colder inside when it's colder outside, even though the inside temperature is exactly the same as always? I find this most perplexing.

It snowed here last week – TWICE – which basically means that I snacked a lot in order to fortify myself to survive the long, harsh winter. The good news is that I should be all set to weather a famine lasting approximately ten years.

No Caffeine for Old Men

Okay, so this is in direct contravention to my previous post, but a few days ago I began severely restricting the amount of caffeine I drink.

I used to have some Diet Coke during the day at work, maybe some tea, but ever since I was sick, the taste of Diet Coke just doesn't appeal to me anymore. (I wasn't drinking anything but water and milk then, and by the time I felt better, it just seemed too syrupy.)

Of course, I still enjoy a certain caffeinated beverage at night – as some of you who followed me from my previous blog may recall – and I would drink, oh, two or three or ten a night. Fine, maybe not ten, but as many as five a night. And then just water all day at work. And EVERY frigging workday, I get a headache in the afternoon.

It wasn't until I went out to lunch and drank a ton of iced tea – and had NO headache that day – that it occurred to me that there might be a connection. Withdrawal hurts.

I decided to limit myself to one Most Delicious Caffeinated Beverage in the World That Shall Go Unnamed Here for Anonymity Purposes per day. I hope to reap great health-related rewards in the near future.

But meanwhile, my world is a dark and bleak place.

You Should Try This "Starbucks" Stuff

So sorry for the lack of posting. I've been traveling for work, which features all of the frustrations and discomfort of traveling for pleasure with none of the blinding drunkenness.

On the way there, of course I had the window seat next to a sumo wrestler. I don't know if he actually was a sumo wrestler, but I kind of suspect he was. He was wreathed in an intriguing scent I think I shall dub "eau de delicatessen," 'cuz he kinda smelled like bread and 'cuz he kinda smelled like a day-old-meat filled dumpster. He had the armrest raised, and when I sat down I could not avoid the mounds of clammy flesh that moistly abutted my own and encroached ever further into my space no matter how intimately I hugged the window.

In retrospect, I should have immediately approached the flight crew the moment I saw what was going on, because it's possible they could have moved me. But the aisle was full of people, so I waited until the plane was in the air before looking around for other seats, and by then all that was left were middle seats (probably because people spread out into open aisle seats as they found them). I don't think people would be happy about me moving into a middle seat when they had all that open space.

Plus I didn't want to be rude to Mr. Sumo, who for all that he took up half my seat wasn't necessarily a bad guy. What's the etiquette of switching seats to escape the obesity of the person sitting next to you? What, if anything, do you say to the person when you retrieve your carry-on? And why the heck doesn't the airline require people like that to buy two seats to begin with instead of permitting them to adversely possess half of my seat?

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Out at the client's, first thing in the morning the client wants to do is visit Starbucks. Which is actually located within their office. I've never seen that before, but I guess I should have seen it coming. There's one in my building, but why suffer the indignity and pain of going all the way down the elevator when you could just lean out your door and shout your order down the hall?

I hate Starbucks. Actually, I hate coffee, and you go to Starbucks to get coffee; ergo, I hate Starbucks. But if a client says, "Let's go to Starbucks," you go. My usual I-hate-coffee Starbucks mainstay is the milkshake. It has some fancy name, like frappelattedelicioucino, but really it's a milkshake. However, that has lots of calories, and I'm a fattie who doesn't deserve lots of calories.

So I ordered the chai tea. I love tea, but I hate getting it at Starbucks 'cuz you pay $5 for something I could make at home with a little dunky teabag, which is exactly how Starbucks makes it anyway and then what's the point?

I get my chai tea, and...oh my God, it was awesome. It was the best most delicious chai tea ever, all creamy and sweet and aromatic. It made me weep.

Later in the day, when the client wanted to return to Starbucks, of course I went along and again ordered my chai tea. Only what I got in return was stupid chai tea, teabag and all. No creamy or sweet or aromatic yumminess. Just tea.

This was a most perplexing turn of events, causing much consternation on my part, until I was informed that I am an idiot. I guess the thing I got in the morning was chai tea latte (not what I had ordered, by the way). I would never order a latte because I hate coffee and latte is coffee. I was again informed that I am an idiot, and "latte" means "milk," and the chai tea latte has no coffee in it. Oookay, I knew "latte" meant "milk" in Italian, but I thought that in English coffeehouse jargon it meant a kind of coffee drink containing lots of milk. So for years I have avoided everything at Starbucks with "latte" in the name, except for the aforementioned milkshake which I long ago determined had no coffee in it and now that I think of it probably isn't called a latte anyway.

Whatever. The point is that I was wrong and the chai tea latte is yummy and I am now ADDICTED to Starbucks. I ordered a huge one at the airport when I was still on the firm's dime.

Unfortunately, my newfound obsession poses various problems. Namely the fact that I am el cheapo, and I don't want to pay $5 for glorious chai tea nectar when I can drink perfectly good algae-bloomed tap water in the office for free, dagnabbit. I've been pathetically reduced to scrounging for free Starbucks. I already filled out a survey to receive a $5 Starbucks gift card. Who knows what dark paths my addiction will lead me down next....

Why Must You Taunt Me, Mystery Burger?

A fast food restaurant incessantly advertises on the cable stations around here. It sounds really good, too. Now apparently they have some type of luau burger. That comes with pineapple! It's as if they reached right into my dreams and pulled out a burger. Topped with pineapple!

Unfortunately, I don't think this burger place actually exists. I have never in my life seen one, and it sounds totally made up. (I mean, really. Who puts pineapple on a burger? Except for a burger GENIUS, that is.) Why? Why do they keep advertising imaginary burgers at a nonexistent restaurant? Oh, the humanity!!!!

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In other restaurant news, I think I need to move. There are lots and lots of great restaurants around here, and I've been eating out every Friday night for a long time. Lately, though, everything is booked solid all night long. I went to the Salvadoran place to eat los platanos y un tamal, and those bastards told me there would be a one-hour wait. So then I went to the seedy Tex-Mex joint with the extensive margarita menu to eat Mexican wienerschnitzel, which sounds wrong but is so so right. And they told me it would be a two-hour wait! So then I went to the classier Tex-Mex place that just opened to eat enchiladas...and by that point there was a three-hour wait. I ended up at a nouveau "New Mexico" style place where I had to eat some weird pie thing and blue corn chips and the tables were so close that I practically had to sit in the lap of a Mad Max reject and felt totally uncomfortable attempting to carry on a conversation, which was pretty much impossible anyway given the loud music. But the wait was only 45 minutes. Sweet!

It's no wonder so many of my outings end up at Chili's. I am not hating on the Chili's; it is good and the drink menu yummy and at least I can get a table (eventually). But if I have to eat one more southwestern eggroll I think I will go mad.

It has been suggested to me that if we were to go to dinner at 5:30, all our problems would be solved. That's rich coming from people who can leave work at 5 and have no commute. On Fridays, I leave work at 6 (risking serious scandal and imminent unemployment) and, if I'm lucky, get home by 6:45. Then I want to change because I have to wear an uncomfortable suit to work with hose and heels (again, unknown experiences to those who spend Fridays in jeans and flip-flops).

Anyway, I want good food, goshdurnit. I want to dine on Indian curries and Japanese steak and Venezuelan cachapas and really just about anything as long as it tastes good (just no fish 'cuz eeeew). And is it asking so much to want to do so at 7:30 on a Friday night?

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Ho hum. The last time I got on this computer was three weeks ago. It just seems like so much of an effort to, ugh, walk into the room and turn it on and wait for it to load. And my laptop-on-lap idea – undeniably brilliant thought it was – simply won't work in my house because I don't have wireless Internet. I'm left to scavenge for it elsewhere while watching the Super Bowl.

By the way, I watched the Super Bowl – and really enjoyed it. I hate sports, but I hate Tom Brady more. That made it fascinating, and oh so satisfying. I thought I was the only one, but I've since uncovered a vast cult of outraged womanhood that banded together last Sunday to root for his downfall. That's really kind of special, don't you think?

I KNEW It!

So please, for the love of God, stop with the double dipping, people! You disgust me.

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I discovered a really totally cool thing. See, if you take your laptop computer, and put it on top of your lap, you can use your computer in all kinds of cool places besides at your desk in your office! It's AMAZING. I'm sitting in front of the TV right now. I am sure you are as stunned as I am. You should try it. No, really, no need to thank me. I am a true humanitarian.