How Many Lawyers Does It Take?

Yes, I know, I never update my blog anymore. I'd tell you to check my Facebook page (and if you want to, e-mail me privately and I'll give you the URL), except I never update that either. It doesn't help that I've been locked out of my home computer since last month because Microsoft has decided that I am using a pirated version of Windows, which of course I am not. So, I'm doing what any self-respecting, proactive adult would do – using the computer at my Mommy and Daddy's house.

Anywho. Work is good. I still have work, so that is good. Sometimes I have too much work, and that is not so good. I had a summer associate who has now moved on to other pursuits. This is a relief because it means there will be fewer cookies in the office for me to eat, and because I will no longer experience the white-hot blinding rage that comes from dealing with an over-entitled 24-year-old who apparently didn't get the memo about, like, the economy and stuff, and who thinks we're being way harsh to, like, assign work.

Meanwhile, I'm going on vacation soon. That should have been fine, but somehow I've managed to accrue a 15-hour billables deficit. This occurred because there was an Important News Event in my field of practice. "Hey," I mused to those around me, "We should send out a client alert about this Important News Event." Great idea, said all. This Important News Event would make a perfect client alert, a one-paragraph blurb that's intended to inform clients about some Important yet straightforward action they should take.

I very quickly typed out four sentences about the Important News Event and sent it around to the others, proud that I had accomplished a little tidbit of business development in record time. I still don't know exactly what happened next, but it basically involved a pack of lawyers descending on my four sentences, tearing them to shreds, and turning my nice little informative blurb into an opus. My favorite part was when someone objected to my use of the word "because" and changed it to "since." Or maybe it was the other way around. That was around hour 10 of the incident, and I informed said person that I no longer cared. Do whatever you want, I said. Just please, PLEASE stop talking to me about it.

Finally it was done. I sent it to Partner 1 for approval. Partner 1 said, what happened to that nice little thing you wrote earlier? That was much clearer. Let's use that. So I did, and then I had to go to Partner 2 for approval. Then I had to go to Partner 3. Partner 3 said, hey, what happened to that nice meaty piece that was going around earlier? I liked that one better. Use that, but make it more detailed. Details are good.

Then I sent it to the people who prepare the client alerts to be e-mailed. They sent it back to me to proofread. Except they were using the wrong version. So I said, hey, this is the wrong version; please use this one. They said, oops, here you go. Except it was still the same wrong version as before. So I said, hey, this is the wrong version. Stop me if you've heard this one before.... This happened precisely five times, and finally on the fifth time I offered to come down personally to help out. The prospect of gazing upon me in person (known to turn some men to stone!) apparently terrified them into submission, and somehow they managed to use the correct version. Except they mangled some sentences within that. Another five corrections later, and all was well.

So then they send out an e-mail to everyone involved saying, "Now we need a title!" I said I DON'T CARE. No, not kidding, I don't care leave me alone about it stop talking to me!!!!! Of course that means I ended up having to come up with a title after everyone else refused to do so, and of course that led to another hour of debates.

The end result after 145 e-mails and 15 hours? Five sentences sent to hundreds of contacts, two of whom asked us to handle issues created by Important News Event, one non-client who asked for tons of information about how to handle issues created by Important News Event and then handled it themselves, and one irate phone call from someone outraged about receiving our "spam" and demanding to never ever receive e-mails like that again, except don't take them off the mailing list because they still want to hear about "important crap, just not crap-crap like that crap you sent today."

I'm in the Book

I joined Facebook. I felt like I was too old for it, but once even my firm started pressuring me to get an account, it seemed like it was time.

The firm thinks Facebook offers fabulous opportunities for NETWORKING and BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT. So far I am friends with exactly one client. This client is a lawyer in a foreign country whom we also use for work in that country. So they probably think THEY are networking with ME.

I keep hearing these stories about people reconnecting with long-lost people from their past and how they develop rich and rewarding new friendships and blah blah blah. But all the people I would really like to find from back then are either (1) already still my friends (hi, Deborah); or (2) not on Facebook or apparently anywhere else on the Internet. As for the people I did find on Facebook, it was like, "Hi, how are you?" And they responded, "Hey, great to see you. I am a [insert career here]." And then I wrote back, "I am a lawyer." And then there is great silence and many status updates on my newsfeed about what they ate for breakfast.

But don't mind me. Maybe I'm just bitter because I have such an inadequate number of Facebook friends compared to everyone else. Why does nobody love me? (Note: skeezy sweaty drunk guy K and I met at the last young lawyers' happy hour who wanted to "friend" us – for some reason I think he meant something other than Facebook – does not count.)

Quick Update

Still here, things are good, happy to have a job in this market! I just had wireless Internet installed, so maybe I'll log in more now that I'm not confined to the office – or maybe not, as this is in fact the first time on this computer since I had that installed 2 weeks ago, and I actually AM still in my office.

Hope everyone's doing well!

Save the Treats

Above please see the aforementioned traditional garb of our ancestral land.

Or not.

Halloween happened, and I did indeed go with A as she trick-or-treated (not to mention little Jr. above). I did indeed appear dressed in said traditional garb. But then A, who had been told that she would be going dressed as a "_____ [redacted national origin] girl," announced that she was going to be a "_____ [redacted national origin] girl...wearing a blue princess dress and fairy wings and a crown."

And so she was. It was incredibly cute, but meanwhile there I was in my get-up, which was rendered inexplicable by A's last-minute wardrobe change.

I would ponder the emotional scars that has surely left, but I have bigger things to worry about. A went trick-or-treating...but it seems like nobody else did. I haven't gotten many trick-or-treaters for years, and it was the same this year – just a couple of groups of older teenagers who don't live in the area who came because we've got better treats than wherever they live.

But out where my brother lives, there used to be lots of trick-or-treaters. This year, there were hardly any. I figured it would be especially big this year since it wasn't a school night.

Is trick-or-treating endangered? I used to be worried that Halloween itself would disappear, victim of played-up fears of stranger danger and religious extremism, but that doesn't seem to be the case in a world where Halloween-only shops proliferate each October. If anything, Halloween seems to be a bigger money-maker than ever.

The trick-or-treating, though, is waning. I hope that kids 20 years from now don't look look back on it as something quaint and archaic, like playing kick the can or, I dunno, convincing your friends to paint a fence for you.

Not So Spooky

Well, once again it's Halloween, and I can't help but feel a little bit bummed.

What happened to all the scary movies on TV? The best I could find last night was the Scooby Doo Halloween special, and for some reason that didn't really appeal to me. Even the reruns of The Simpsons have been regular episodes. Where's the holiday spirit? Sigh.

My little niece A is going trick-or-treating for the first time tonight. I'm going with her. She's dressing up as an individual of _______ national origin [redacted for anonymity concerns], so I decided to do the same. We're both going to wear the traditional garb of our people, which is both traditional and very garb-like. I was appalled to discover that only my fat traditional garb (kind of like fat jeans but oh so much more depressing) currently fits decently. That made me sad, so I ate some Reese's to feel better.

Hie Me to a Nunnery

I have a confession to make. It's pretty humiliating, but I've been tormented by this for a long while, and I'm tired of living a lie.

You know all of those great shows on pay cable? I like them and all, but dear God, I'm sick of the sex. It happens in movies sometimes too, but I think cable TV shows are the worst. It's like the shows' creators are going, hey, we're on cable, so that means we need to stick in a bunch of raunchy sex! Do we have enough boobs in this shot? How about if we add more lesbian make-out scenes? People LOVE those!

And I hate it. I find it embarrassing to watch. I much prefer the reruns of Sex and the City on TBS, because it means I'm spared another one of Samantha's screaming orgasms. I tried to watch Masters of Horror, 'cuz I like me some horror, but it turned out to be more like Masters of Porn. (Fear Itself on NBC did a better job of actually attempting "horror" – but I think that's off the air now.)

And now I'm watching True Blood, which is great if you like vampires (and I do), but gaaaaaawd. I told my parents it was pretty good, so last time I was visiting them, they turned on the episode where Horny Brother overdoses on vampire blood. I'll spare you the details, but the episode basically devolves into a 20-minute masturbation session. I thought I might die.

So ENOUGH already. I tried to be cool about it. I tried to pretend to be the kind of breezy liberal bohemian person who says, yes, please, do show me more S&M and fantasy rape scenes. But I'm just not. Apparently I'm one pair of Sarah Palin glasses and a witchcraft exorcism away from raving fundamentalism.

Give Me Water or Give Me Death

My office took away the water. It's not that the water they had was so great – it was just tap water, but at least it was filtered and cold. Now there's just tap water. It's warm. I do not like it.

I tried to console myself with the knowledge that it at least contains all kinds of good stuff like fluoride, but that doesn't change the fact that it's warm, bad-tasting water.

We considered starting a petition to demand that the management return water to us, whether in filtered form or in bottles, but we became concerned that such a petition would end up on some kind of legal gossip site, leading people all around the world to denigrate our firm as the kind of place that doesn't care enough about its employees to provide water.

I mean, think about the impact on recruiting. Meanwhile, it can't be great to having interviewees come in to discover no water. I wouldn't know, actually. I don't interview people unless that means taking them to lunch, because I can think of few things more horrible than being stuck in my office for half an hour interviewing someone and then running out of questions to ask at the 10-minute mark and having nothing to say for the next 20 minutes.

Of course, having no water is worse than that would be. Much, much worse.

I know that people out in the non-big firm world don't get free beverages. I feel for you, really I do. Actually, I don't, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

The thing is, when you work for a big firm, you expect that, in exchange for your personal life and your eternal soul, you will receive tasty beverages free of charge. That's the deal, and everyone is on board with that. It's just not right to leave people with nothing but Coke or Sprite or warm tap water. I don't drink Coke and Sprite and thus am left with nothing but the tap water. Some have suggested that perhaps I should purchase my OWN water, but what part of "deal with the devil" don't you understand? GIVE ME MY FREE WATER, DAMMIT!

Mortality Makes Me Fat

I read somewhere about a study that showed that thinking about death makes people eat more. In other words, knowledge of one's own mortality = fat.

I think that goes a long way toward explaining my predicament. Every time I think about not eating that cookie, I say to myself, well, wait a minute...what if I'm hit by a bus on my way home tonight and this is the very last cookie I will ever eat?

Or maybe it's just that I'm just a pig. On that note, below please find a very old post pondering the joy of hamburgers (redacted to remove name of city I was visiting and edited for brevity). Why am I posting old stuff?

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(Originally posted 2-27-07)

Upon my arrival in [City], I embarked upon a solemn quest, with but one goal in mind: to revisit the burgerly delights of White Castle.

So I did, and it was good. Perhaps you do not fully comprehend the deliciousness of the burger, why movies are made to give praise to its genius.

What you have to understand is this...it is perfection in tiny square hamburger form. It is unlike any other hamburger you will ever find. It is a mystery; it is my muse. The tastes explode in your mouth. The texture is pure ecstasy. The immutable boundaries segregating bread and meat and cheese dissolve, forming a molten core of gooey rapture that violates all laws of man and God and burger cookery.

Plus they added a jalapeño cheese variety.

Updates and Stuff

Sorry for going MIA for so long. I maintain that going to bed at 10 is great for the mental health and all, but it doesn't do much for the whole life-outside-work arena. You will note that I am posting this after 10. So I'm very bad, but I had some outpatient surgery today and decided I deserve to stay up late.

Meanwhile, I promised some details about The Work Situation. The short story is that I started out with "I am quitting my job," which became, "I am quitting my job, but maybe I'll start my own legal practice," and then, "I am quitting my job and starting my own legal practice, and maybe my old job will give me some work on a contract basis," to "Maybe I can become an official contract attorney." I went to the firm with the contract attorney proposal, and the firm accepted.

Then I said, hm, well, maybe I should consider an associate position but with greatly reduced hours (and still no benefits). Firm accepted this proposal.

Then, when I discovered I had some delightful health issues that made it inconvenient to seek individual insurance, I finally came around and realized that the program I had originally considered (the 120 hrs/month proposal + benefits) was the best option after all. So that is what I will be doing starting in October, except it turns out that it really means 105 billable hrs/month and another 25 non-billable/month.

Firm deserves much kudos for going along with each of these proposals and not deciding that my wishy-washiness makes me clearly unemployable.

I have no idea how this will really play out in practice, but the firm has indicated that they are happy to consider periodic revisions if it isn't working out for me, which definitely eases some of the pressure. I'm hoping it will be a LOT better, but it's hard to say. Frankly, for the last few months I've only been billing 140/month anyway (with maybe 20 or so non-billable hours per month), so I don't know how much of a change this will really be. I've also gotten some great advice on boosting non-billable time. I didn't realize people were writing down time spent organizing their offices, reviewing their dockets, and so forth. One (really religious) guy even writes down all the time he spends on going to church and church activities, for crying out loud (under the umbrella of "business development" – koff koff). Anyway, so that's really cool.

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Little Baby Jr. is doing great. He fell asleep in my arms last week and stayed put all evening, the cute little munchkin. He also will now coo and almost laugh if you make faces and talk to him sweetly; really amazing considering his age.

A seems to have adjusted to his presence very well. When we went up to visit my grandma in August, she kept trying to tell her, "I'm a big sister, Great-Grandma" (it comes out "Gweat-Gwamma"), over and over and over. My grandma simply couldn't hear her, so finally we told her what A was saying – A turned to us and said, "No no no no. I am talking to Great-Grandma." Great-Grandma was very impressed that A was a big sister, which led A to tell her about it 10 more times, then start naming letters on Great-Grandma's bingo cards.

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Work right now is pretty stressful. I have a new-old client who has suddenly started giving us a ton of work, whereas before it was a rare trickle. I shall dub them "Really Big Corp." Really Big Corp. has decided they love/hate me, which makes my days all sorts of fun. They tell my bosses they really like me and that's why they now trust us with the work, but to me they mostly call or send really mean e-mails about this or that typo (seriously, we're talking about "two spaces after a period" instead of "one space" – now that's a rant for another day...one space being the standard for typing on a computer, but moi having adjusted to the legal preference for two spaces, it's been difficult for me to adjust to the client's "single space" command until I started find-and-replacing the two spaces).

The understanding is that once I start the new schedule, I will mostly just do this client's work as long as they keep sending it. That definitely fills the day, and for the most part is pretty cool. The work is my favorite kind, and I can definitely use the ego boost when they tell my bosses how much they like me, but sometimes it's a real beatdown. I enjoyed it today when they sent me a snippy e-mail asking me to use a certain format for e-mail subject lines – which I already WAS doing in all instances EXCEPT when responding to their e-mails in which they DID not use the specified format. Blah.

And that's pretty much what's going on!

Still Alive

Some cool things happening with the work situation – will update as soon as I get a chance.